Hi Chris your really not gonna learn much about someone from reading a few lines off of here you really need to talk to understand all that is me. but i have a few questions for fun and remember don't take life so serious you'll never get out alive.

How did you find this page?:
>Accidentally
Yahoo/Google
A friend told me
An enemy told me
You told me about your stupid page
I can smell your desperation from here
A scorching case of herpes led me here
God hates me
Blind hogs eventually find acorns
">I fell off the jungle gym and woke up in here.”

Why are you filling out this form?:
>I want to ask you out. HA!
No, seriously, I really do want to ask you out
I don't want to go on a date with you, but I do want to buy you lots drinks and watch the train wreck develop
I’m putting in fake info to **** with you
I’m horribly desperate for anything male, and you fit the bill
This is the final stage in a destructive spiral of self-loathing and despair
It's either this or jail time
This is helping me stop masturbating so much
I hate your ****ing guts
“It says ‘I choo-choo-choose you,’ and it has a picture of a train.”

Why do you think you want to go out on a date with me?:
>Because I want to go on a date with you.
Do I need a reason? Isn't is axiomatic?
I want to hitch my wagon to your star, and this is Step 1.
You seem interesting
I think you’d be fun to get drunk with
I want to end up in one of your stories or future books
I feel strangely attracted to you
I hate myself
I’m one of those people who can’t divert their eyes from accident scenes, and you have that same effect on me
I think your caustic and sarcastic exterior belies a sweet and caring inner self
I want to give my VD to someone else before I die
No, really, I enjoy having guys use me and treat me like shit
“Which one is oral?”

What is it that you find most attractive about me?:
>Your caustic wit and ambitious verve
Your cute face and hot body
Your caustic wit and ambitious verve
Your constant use of foul, discourteous language
The way you show no regard for the feelings of others
The way your immense ego blocks out any real emotional depth
You make me laugh
Your single-minded obsession with all things Tucker
I like how you never use deodorant. Your pheromones are too sexy to cover up
I don’t like myself, and I'm hoping you'll treat me like a used-up stripper
Everything
“You’re deceptive.”

When would you like to go out with me?:
>Whenever
When you are available
Hey, we're on my schedule here, Date Boy
When your heart stops
As soon as I finish gnawing off my left leg
When I get over my herpes and pink eye
After I suck off a Great Dane
How about never? Is never good for you?
“This is my sandbox, but I’m not allowed to go in the deep end.”

What will we drink? (we will be drinking…or at least I’ll be drinking):
>champagne
beer
liquor
fine malt liquor
wine
wine in a box
fine apple wine
whatever is cheapest
whatever we can steal from homeless people
whatever we can make in your bathtub
I prefer hard drugs, thank you
“They taste like…burning!”


How much does it take to get you drunk?:
>The smell of alcohol
A few beers
A few glasses of wine
A six-pack
A six-pack of Ripple
I can out drink a Wahoo
I can out drink an Irish Catholic
Ever heard of Motley Crue? I taught them how to party.
"My parent’s won’t let me use scissors.”

What will we talk about on our date?:
>Me
You
Sex
Sex in public places
Butt sex
The sexual foibles of ex’s
The etiquette of group sex
What that slut at the next table is wearing
How our parents ****ed us up beyond all repair
How much everyone around us sucks
The epistemological and metaphysical implications of superstring theory
The epistemological and metaphysical implications of us having sex
The Iron Chef
Whether or not Scooby Doo is in fact a metaphor for hallucinogenic drug use
This web page
Flannery O’Connor’s use of symbolism
Herman Melville’s use of metaphor
Ron Jeremy’s use of irony
Lots of different things
"Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever."

I should compliment you by saying:
>“You have incredible eyes.”
“That is the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.”
“You are a very cool person.”
“Are you gonna finish that? Cause if not...”
“You’re ugly, but you intrigue me.”
“If you didn’t have such fat legs, you could be a model.”
“You know, they can fix your cleft lip. Modern medicine has come a long way from the days of just throwing people like you in with the livestock.”
“Good lord…was anyone else hurt in the accident?”
“That tumor on your forehead really brings out the brown in your eyes.”
“That’s the same perfume they put on my grandmother at her wake.”
“Did you fart? You farted, didn’t you?”
“I’d club a baby seal to get a second date with you.”
“I had no idea a woman could have such a large ass paired with such small breasts.”
“Can I pee on you?”
“You don’t sweat much for a fattie.”
“You should be on TV. They use plain looking women too.”
“Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.”

What will we do after dinner?:
>Have coffee and dessert
Run out on the bill
Go dancing
Go to hell
Have a long and meaningful conversation
Throw the dishes on the floor and **** on the table
Go somewhere to be alone, but just cuddle
Point out each others shortcomings (my personal choice)
Groping and pawing
Why do I have to make all the decisions? I thought you were a ****ing man!
“Help! She’s touching my special area!”

How will the date end?:
>Unpleasantly
An awkward silence
A noncommital hug
A sweet, tender kiss
Passionate, unbridled, hanging from the chandelier, sex
Us planning for another date
Me pouring my heart out to you while you record it to put on your website
Me cursing you abusively from the safety of my porch
Me calling the cops to get you out of my house
You throwing flaming bags of dog poop at my porch
A nonspecific burning sensation
One of us waking up in jail without our shoe laces
“Oh boy sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking!”
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