Gentlemen, let me enlighten you to a few things:

You are not cute or witty when you make jokes about the eye patch - I have Bell's Palsy and am required to wear it when my condition flares up as I can't close that particular eye. Thanks for making fun of a medical condition rather than asking why I have it to begin with, really smooth.

You are not charming when you write me a single line telling me I'm hot or that I have great tits - you're blatantly obvious in your search for a woman to sleep with NSA and last time I checked, I don't have "Internet Whore" tattooed to my forehead. Do us all a favour and go get the clap from some skank off Craigslist, seriously.

You are not intelligent or verbose when you resort to using "txt tlk" in messages. This includes shortening entire words to single letters - it is NOT difficult to write out "YOU". Smarts, I like them.

I am not looking for a life partner. I am not looking for a steady boyfriend. I am not looking for a f*ck-buddy. I am looking for FRIENDS. In case you're wondering, here's a better definition from the fine people on Dictionary.com:

Friend (noun)
- a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
- a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.

If you think you could potentially fit that criteria, then by all means send a message. If what I see in your profile interests me, I'll respond. If not, I won't. Can't take the potential blow to your ego, then don't message. Simple, isn't it?

Now to see how many of the idiots on here actually bother to read this as opposed to looking at my pictures and messaging me based on my looks. Should prove to be an interesting tally.

Coffee at Timmy's is good enough for getting to know someone face to face.