Here's what I'm looking for. I hope you find it entertaining. Here goes--

Excellent: We have great chemistry.
Good: We have great physics and math.
Not so good: You're signed up for remedial reading.

Excellent: Always a gentleman. But with a mischievous side and a twinkle in your eye.

Excellent: You're within 5 years of my age.
Very Good: You're within 10 years of my age.
Very interesting: You're over 20 years younger than me. It's highly unlikely that I'll date you, but go ahead and email me. It's great for my ego, and I'll keep emailing back as long as you're polite.
Don't bother: You lied about your age in order to attract younger women because you think you look and act younger than your actual age OR your profile contains the phrase "y0ung at h3art." (Had to misspell this on purpose. The system keeps matching me with guys who put this in their profile!)

Excellent: You're smart and well-educated, possibly even a little geeky/nerdy.
Very bad: You think you are geeky/nerdy because you live in your mother's basement and play video games non-stop.

Good: Your profile has a picture.
Excellent: It's a picture of you.
Not so good: Most of your pictures contain a car, motorcycle, boat, or plane. (What's up with that? All those toy pictures say to me is "I'm insecure about my manhood" or "I care more about toys than about people." Don't get me wrong - I LIKE toys. I just prefer to see pictures of you and not them.)

Excellent: You're in good shape.
Not so good: The shape is round.

Excellent: You have nice hair. (If things go well, I'd like to run my fingers through it.)
Totally OK: You have no hair. (If things go well, I'll have to find something else to do with my fingers.)
Bad: You have a bad combover. (There is no such thing as a good one.)

Excellent: You're financially stable and responsible. (I am. I will not be a financial nor an emotional drain on you. Physical....that's another matter entirely.)
Acceptable: You spend wildly, especially on a date. (This won't be a long term relationship, but I'll enjoy it in the short term.)

Not so Good: Your caps lock key appears to be broken.
Very Bad: Your profile is a criminal assault on spelling and contains first degree crimes against grammar.
Even worse: It's not entirely clear what language you are attempting to write in.
(No, I'm not the grammar police ... just a deputy. I make my share of mistakes and I won't point out yours unless you've asked me to. But if your writing is poor and you either don't know how to use spell check or are too lazy to use it, we are probably not a good match.)
Good: Your profile contains complete coherent sentences.
Better Yet: Your profile contains actual information about you that would allow me to tell the difference between you and someone picked at random from the phone book.

Excellent: You like who you are.
Bad: You like who you pretend you are.

Good: You meet all the good to excellent criteria above.
Excellent: You meet all the good to excellent criteria above AND you email me OR you're self-confident enough to email me even if you don't. (I answer all my emails. If you're nice enough to email, I'm nice enough to answer.)
Even more excellent: After an email or two, you ask me for a date.

Bonus points for the following:
You are well-educated, especially if it's in science/engineering.
You have military service, past or present. (Rich is impressive, but rich in character is more impressive.)
You can build or make things - furniture, gizmos, dinner, art, music, ....
That great smile and the twinkle in your eye.
You put "jabberwocky" or some other unusual word in the subject line. (I'll know you've read this!)

Made it through all that? If you're still reading, and still interested, here's some info about me.

I'm fun, funny, smart, and adventurous. I have a wide range of interests. I like spending time with family, with friends, and alone.

Favorite activities with friends include cooking, potlucks, game nights, Wii competitions, playing sports, helping each other with home improvement projects, work projects, volunteer projects. My friends and I can be serious when warranted, but mostly we keep each other laughing. We can make almost anything fun. I'm cautious when getting to know a new person, but once I know you, I'll make you laugh, too.

With my friends, the conversation is a free-for-all with occasional deliberate breaks to make sure we include the shyer members of the group. With you, I'm hoping for a give and take conversation, one that's intriguing, captivating, open, and honest.

I like dogs, especially big dogs and mutts. I am generally not fond of cats, though there have been exceptions.

I read a lot. I rarely watch TV, though I'm definitely interested in the always popular "cuddling on the couch" in front of a movie if I meet the right guy. I like sports, but would much rather play than watch. My college sports were cross-country and crew (rowing) plus too many IM sports to mention. Now I play on a coed softball team. I bat .395 (if you don't count strikeouts). Wii is fun at parties and can be a pretty good aerobic workout, too.

I'm partial to classical music. I also like pop, rock, folk, some newer stuff, some new age stuff, marching band music, ragtime, small doses of country. I play several musical instruments. I don't claim to play well, but I play with enthusiasm and with at least enough skill on some to perform in public.

I attend church pretty regularly and participate in church activities. Very mainstream, nothing wacky.

I tutor kids from Kindergarten to college level, but mostly high school students. I coach a high school robotics team.

I like "guy" stuff like computers and woodworking, but I like the "girl" stuff, too - quilting, knitting, sewing, cooking, .... I've designed my own line of corduroy pillows. They're making headlines. I can cook Minute Rice in 55 seconds.

I have a great job that I love. I get to do very cool technical work (software, hardware, analysis, design,...) with brilliant colleagues who are fun to work with.

I've written a lot here about myself, which may give you the idea that I talk a lot. You'd be right! But only once in a while. I also listen a lot. In addition, I really enjoy a companionable silence with someone whose company feels good and right.

Still reading? Wonderful. Just one more serious thing. I am not easy. I am not uptight. I'm normal and nice. Adventurous is not a code word for something strange. If we met in real life, I wouldn't have to say that because it would be apparent.

Put your pencil down. Do not go on to the next page.

Disclosure: I continue to be hopeful and optimistic about meeting someone. I really do date, not just email. But no, I don't date everyone who emails me. (When a man says I am picky, that means I didn't date him or wouldn't go out on a second date with him.) I have been out with several men I've met here, but none where both of us wanted a second date. It's very unlikely that I will kiss you on the first date. That's not meant as a challenge. It's just meant to let you know that I don't kiss total strangers. (Made an exception once. Glad I did. But not typical for me.) Once you're out of the stranger zone, look out! I think it's worth getting to know me, but you'll have to be the judge of that.

I'd offer to meet you for coffee, but I don't like coffee. (I love the smell of coffee, though.) Although I'm not a teetotaler, my favorite drink is milk! Who meets for a glass of milk?

How about a museum? A museum guarantees we have something interesting to talk about and is usually quiet enough to hold a conversation.

We could take a dog for a walk. Yours, mine, or both.

...or surprise me with an interesting first date idea!

Whatever it is, I'd prefer something low pressure. Are you willing to take things slowly and see where they lead? We can step on the accelerator after we're sure we want to go on the trip together. We don't need to know exactly where we're going, but we do need to pay enough attention to the steering that we don't crash. I'd really like to go on my last first date....but for the near term, it would be nice just to have a first date that was promising enough to want a second date.