Ever think you are the only one looking? Here's something that should cheer you up:

Of the 6,587,700,900 people on this planet, 3,021,630,980 live in cultures that cannot accommodate 'finding' a significant other (in one form or another), so that leaves 3,566,069,920 people who are still looking. Of those, 1,511,080,690 believe it will happen naturally, so they don't 'really' look. Another 1,027,494,614 are happily with someone already. 903,020,154 people don't believe it will ever happen. That means only 124,474,462 people still care to look. But, of those another 70,215,648 are in correctional institutions that do not allow contact with other human life.

Then 50,236,541 are typical males who just want to bed as many woman as possible so they don't count. Of the 4,022,273 remaining, 3,789,850 have been shunned by society and would never reveal if they were with someone or not. Then 158,631 claim to be Elvis, and are too busy trying to lose the extra weight and don't have time to look for someone anyways. 68,970 people are stuck on Plenty of Fish, but have their profiles hidden because of all the creeps. Also, 4,570 are forced into 'fixed' marriages and run away in tears never to be seen again. Unfortunately, another 250 people are just too stupid to care. That leaves, you guessed it, you and me, and well baby, we just found each other!

Wanna go for Ice Cream?

Why I didn’t show up for our ice cream date last night...

Well I was on my way. Honestly. I was just about there (and almost early I might add) when I saw a shooting star. It turns out that this shooting star was actually a meteor passing over the polar ice caps.

This rare and spectacular event happened to startle a polar bear who was our roaming around for food. The polar bear was so startled that he started charging off in some random direction, which took him right past a waddle of ten thousand penguins and scared the sh*t right out of them. As you might have already guessed that many penguins sh*itting all at the same time would cause quite a methane imbalance in the atmosphere, which has the groovy side effect of enhancing the northern lights. Well on this particular occasion the northern lights were so spectacular that the Earth was lit up like a freakin Christmas Tree and some aliens who were passing by in their UFO saw this and were like ‘Great Zok a new planet for the taking!’ so they came over to Earth and tried to invade but they made the mistake of landing right in front of me and when their leader (Zibicus Zonk the 3rd) came out and said ‘All your base are belong to us’ I was like ‘Uh-uh b*tches get off my rock!’ and grand battle ensued.

I was doing pretty good fending off total disaster dodging ray gun blasts and Nubian-blob grenades and French ticklers (those aliens can get pretty nasty in the heat of things) when all of a sudden out of nowhere this four year old asian peasant girl tries to cross the street right in the middle of the battle. When one of the aliens sees such a prime target he aims his ray gun right at her and I see this. Well being the awesome hero that I am I dramatically leap in front of the girl just as the ray gun is fired and I take the hit. Well that really pissed me off because he singed my best shirt with that blast so I really kick some green E.T. butt and send them all back to the nebula they came from.

With the Earth out of peril I gallantly return the girl to her home and then the press shows up and are all ‘we want to make you a poster boy’ and all that but I’m like I got a really important date so let me freshen up then make it quick so I go to shave off all the stubble and well now here comes the tricky part. See one of the side effects of being hit by a ray gun blast is after-twitch. Well wouldn’t you know right as I’m shaving I get one of the after twitches and I nick myself shaving. At that point I figured it would be too humiliating for you if you had to go out in public with a guy who nicks himself shaving so I just went home.