I've been told that I'm fun, funny, silly, serious, creative, crazy, and totally out of my mind. And that was while standing in line today at the ATM. I'd like to meet a sexy woman that's funny, smart, healthy, disease-free, not a mental case, and single. Yes, I said single! (those of you with a pending divorce feel to holla once it's final.) Someone who's a lady in public but can cut loose and show me what she's working with behind closed doors. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. By the way, if you're reading this and you currently don't have any photos of yourself posted, I'm already bored with you. Now beat it!

So I'm thinking It'd be nice if I could find someone that I can stand. Is that asking too much? It's a simple request, really. I just don't want to wake up next to you 10 years and four dress sizes from now and say to myself, "Ewwwe! What the hell did I ever see in you?" That obviously would be a HUGE mistake for us both! (Let's try to avoid that if we can. Ok?)

I'd like to meet someone fun and funny who wants to share some good times and lots of chuckles. If it gets deeper than that and eventually, somewhere down the road we happen to see each other naked -- great. If not, that's fine as well. And while I'm not at all opposed to getting married, her main topic of conversation and goal in life should not be snaring a man. I'm thinking it's better that she not be OBSESSED with being in a marriage.

Now, what kind of women do I like? I like what's good. I like women that stimulate my mind (as well as my nether regions). Someone I can have meaningful conversations with. I don't mean to discourage any of the gorgeous air-heads out there, but let's keep it real: at some point I have to stop staring at you and actually engage in conversation. And I've no use for the vapid musings and the idle gossip of Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood and TMZ. Besides, unless you're Madonna or Lena Horne you ain't gonna be hot forever. So you're gonna need some other attributes to keep me interested. But I digress...

I need to meet someone who wants a new best friend. Someone that can get used to losing every single game of Scrabble or Boggle she'll ever play with me. Someone who can accept me for the idiot savant that I am. Someone who won't sit around waiting for me to make the first move. Someone who has a command of the English language and knows the difference between "woman" and "women." Someone who knows better than to type her profile in all caps or be mean to waiters and waitresses. Someone who understands that we don't have to be alike to like each other. Someone who gets me and doesn't care that none of it adds up or makes any sense. She simply wants to enjoy the ride. If you can do any of that and keep a smile on your face, you and I are gonna be alright.

Essentially I like chicks that are nice human beings. Smart, positive, funny and fun-loving. Women who are not stuck on themselves, not liars, truth-twisters, or at all selfish. (Selfish people and liars suck!) I'd much rather be with an average looking woman that I get along with, am totally into and makes me laugh, than some rich, arm-candy Halle Berry look-a-like that is a total Bi-otch to me and everyone around her. (I've already dated her, and trust me--pretty is as pretty does.)

A compatible partner for me is a woman who believes in mutual respect and equality. So if you consider yourself a "Diva" (God I hate that word), you need not apply! I'm also not into the chunkified ladies. This includes the BBWs, big-boned, "full-figured", bloated, swollen, juicy or whatever positive spin you've sold to yourself for being plain old overweight -- I am NOT the cat for you. Though you would think otherwise if you could see my In Box. Apparently I'm a fat chick magnet. It's bursting at the seams with messages from the heavy set ladies. ('sup with that?)

I also don't care what color you are. I've been dating black women damn near 30 years and apparently I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm not going to stop dating black women (that would be ludicrous. Ya'll too damn fine!) but I've opened up the game and I'm gladly taking applications from EVERYBODY. Including but not limited to the Latin sisters, those of the Asian persuasion, and oh yes, I gotta say it -- I've been dating me some White women. Some nice White women. (REAL nice.) So don't hate -- congratulate!

Hopefully by now you've gleaned that I'm going to have a fond appreciation for any woman who is smart, funny, confident, can deal with my shenanigans, and who is willing to give as good as she gets.

So there you go -- that's pretty much it. Just be fun, be nice, be funny, be nice, be attractive, be nice, be smart, be nice (by the way, did I say be nice?) and this will all work-out juuust fine.

DISCLAIMER: (Read the following very quickly without breathing) Offer not valid in all 50 states, not all applicants will qualify for special rate, state and local taxes may apply, accessories sold separately, batteries not included, your actual mileage may vary, see salesperson for details.

Swing by Willie Wonka’s chocolate factory, beat-up a couple Oompa-loompas, steal some candy, go for a swim in a chocolate river, miniaturize ourselves with an untested laser, get kicked out of the joint, take a ride in a flying glass elevator and top-off the evening by getting matching tattoos. OR we could go to a quiet coffee shop or book store and just talk. Yeah, that probably would be best.

But seriously, I don't really do first dates. It would be more of a "meet and greet" type situation. I'd meet you somewhere, (preferably where I can hear you speak without your having to shout in my ear), and have a drink or coffee (I don't drink coffee.) Keep it REALLY simple and no pressure so I can escape (or you can skeedaddle) if need be. But as far as that old school me taking you out buying dinner and I don't even know you crap –– that's out of the question! I don't need to waste half a tank of gas or blow 100 bucks on the evening to find out that we're not into each other, or the photo you posted was 20 or 40 pounds ago. So a nice stroll or a quick, quiet sit down where we can talk and just kinda get to know each other would be fine. And if one of us picks up the phone after the first outing....well, then it's on!