I am a prisoner of on-line dating websites. Please rescue me! Except they charged my credit card till the year 2015. My life is sooo together. Every profile it seems lists: "Moonlight walks on the beach (get real, most first dates are nowhere near a beach); honesty, comfortable in a tux or jeans; looking for my soul mate." And includes a photo with you way back in the background so you need a magnifying glass to see you--your eyes hidden by sunglasses and a big obscuring hat on; and at least three members of the opposite sex hanging around your neck, including most likely your ex--obviously cut out of the picture! Yeah, that's the ticket! I'd like to tell you I'm completely sane, normal, that I've learned so much from past relationships and come out a better person, but come on...who is anyone kidding here? I am totally fabulous, it is true, humility being my chief virtue--but let us date for a while and eventually find out that both of us are completely messed up from former relationships, have trust issues, and weird grooming rituals. So I thought I'd save you several weeks and be very upfront about everything! I fear sharks and jellyfish (but not snakes and spiders), being subjected to any kind of torture involving electricity or on-line dating, and being alone for the rest of my life. Or worse yet, falling for someone and having a messy breakup that will render me unable to function for an indefinite period of time. I just adore cricket, martial arts, snooker matches, NASCAR, Harleys, and watching someone else play golf or watch football. Musical tastes eclectic--I love everything from Swiss yodelers to Jim Nabors to Barry Manilow to Bobby Vinton to Zamfir and his Magic Pan Flute.

PS: if your profile contains no picture, or pictures of you with your motorcycle, gun, dead animals, reptile, ex-wife/girlfriend, current wife/girlfriend, adult beverage, cigarette, your newest tattoo, or your Star Wars costume, I am not the match for you. ;)

Have a coffee, tea, or glass of wine--if we hit it off, a walk or dinner. Good conversation and much laughter. Too many first meetings are like job interviews or interrogations--would rather see if we can have fun and laugh. The boring details can come later.