Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to
tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today,
and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly
horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something
was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy
could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough,
there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!
By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him,
but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into
my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.
Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell --
but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.
I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge
and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.
But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died
there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,
and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment
building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.
But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.
I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto
the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and
kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed
a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky
and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that
heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."



Four nun's die and end up into the line-up
to get into heaven.

After sometime in line, the first nun gets up
to Saint Peter; she kneels before him and
says... "Bless me Father for I have sinned!."

St. Peter replies, "and what do you have to
say for yourself, child?" To which the nun
replies, "Father, I've sinned." "Oh! You've
sinned!" St. Peter replied; "So how is it that
you have strayed from the ways of the Lord?"
"I saw a man's penis," the nun replied. St.
Peter, looking furiously, stated; "Go, unto
this Holy water-fountain, and wash thine
eyes out, for fear of the Lord!" The first nun
obliges and continued through the gates of
Heaven!

Some-time passes and the secound nun
arrives before St. Peter... She drops to her
knees and says: "Bless me Father for I have
sinned." St. Peter replies, "and what do *YOU*
have to say for yourself child? Why have you
strayed from the path of the Lord?" To which
the secound nun replies, "I've touched a
man's penis." St. Peter peers at the secound
nun a moment and then says, "Well go, unto
this Holy Water fountain and wash thine
hands and come into the presence of the
Lord!"

Some-time later, St. Peter notices a
significant struggle in the line-up! He
descends to halt this trouble. St. Peter, after
walking some-time, arrives at the precise
point in the line-up which was causing all
the problems... There, he saw the third AND
fourth nuns engaged in a struggle! He steps
between the two-of-them and demands:
"Hey! Hey! You can't do this here! This is
God's house; full of loving and good and
caring!"

To which the fourth nun exclaimed: "Sure!
Sure! Fine! Fine! But you're STILL not about to
get me to gargle after she washes her ass in
that water!"




A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignored his remark. A little later, the husband took his measuring tape and measured his wife`s rear end while she was bending over working in a flower bed. "Geeze, honey, it IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignored his remark. Later that night, while in bed, the husband started to feel frisky. He rolled over to start something with his wife and she calmly rolled away from him saying, "If you think I`m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, forget it!"




This prisoner escapes after 15 years. He breaks into a house looking for money and food. He finds a young couple in bed. He orders the husband out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the wife to the bed, gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in the bathroom, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."