Periodic Updates (ad infinitum, ad nauseam):
* Who wants to date balloon boy's dad? He seems like a real catch!
* Relegated to "Z-List" celebrity status by TMZ after an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction on live TV. J.Lo's stock goes up, mine down. Where's the justice?
* I got nothing today. Think I'll go out and get some new material.
* Short trip to Napa/Sonoma. Updates to follow.
* 2 hours @ the gym this morning and 1 hour of tennis @ lunch ruined by 1 Ducks playoff victory. They won but I lost due to my choice to go with a mysterious "Sirloin Hot Dog" between periods. Damn marketing executives got me AGAIN! I don't like hot dogs. I don't like sirloin but together they formed an irresistible siren's song of a combination that I could not resist! I'll bury that decision in the deep recesses of my mind alongside a couple of POF dates a few bad haircuts.
* Staying home today. I Think I may have pig flu. How did this happen? I ate no pork. I've kissed no pig. I am no swine. I'm starting to whine. I think I'll be fine.
* Please contribute your comments to the "HELP PREVENT TOOLS OF IGNORANCE'S SLOW PAINFUL DEATH VIA THE JURY DUTY SELECTION PROCESS" fund. Your contributions are greatly appreciated and tax deductible!
* Double header today. All behind the dish. Two teams. Los Angeles to Orange County. 18 innings of ups & downs and a Monday morning breakfast of poached advil covered in a tylenol cream sauce. Delicious.
* If I said there was an evil monkey living in my closet, would that make me more or less attractive? Really.....I'm not kidding.
* Thank you Japan & Korea for one of the greatest baseball games ever played.
* It’s an odd morning. I’m feeling laconic and prolix all at once. Ironically, I don’t know what to do about either. To combat my antithetical dilemma, I think I’ll take an Ambien CR® with a Red Bull® chaser and see which adjective proves dominant. Please check in later for updates and a final score.
* Tools of Ignorance went out late last night. Tools of Ignorance had a lot of fun but Tools of Ignorance had too much to drink. Tools of Ignorance is at work today but Tools of Ignorance is hurting and paying the price for his actions. Tools of Ignorance is now experiencing some loss of higher brain function due to the destruction of millions of greatly needed brain cells. An indication of Tools of Ignorance’s Self-destructive behavior in the form of brain cell genocide can be found in Tools of Ignorance’s referral to himself in the third person. Tools of Ignorance doesn't normally roll like that.
* “Tools of Ignorance: The Musical” will be in limited release nationwide today. Bring your California proof of voter registration, one free California proof of voter registration redeemable for one Starbucks Grande Drip Coffee voucher and one free California proof of voter registration redeemable for a Krispy Kreme Doughnuts receipt for a 50% off 200% admission, mail-in rebate form. Rebates may be redeemed within 6 – 12 months of acceptance, preceded by a 15 month review period (pending qualification). Void in California.
* Back from vacation. I don't want to be back. Can I get a Mulligan?
* Having a cup of morning joe while watching a world's future plummet into disarray. Fascinating! Oh, and it's humid and I like Wheaties
* I have a really bad Advil® today. Does anyone have a couple of headaches I could take to cure my ills?
* I purchased a $98.00 burrito today. There was nothing particularly spectacular or unique about it. It was just a burrito. Rice, beans, cheese, salsa and something that once had feathers & is the namesake for some nasty pox that children use to stay home from school. Yep, just a chicken burrito. Only, I handed the cashier $100 and got $2.75 in change. I have to ask, which is more criminal; The cashier pocketing my hundy and playing dumb when I returned to correct my grievous error or the fact that I was willing to spend just south of $8.00 for a little donkey?
* Stay wild Moe. Stay free. Keep running you crazy chimpanzee! Tools of Ignorance is pulling for you buddy! If you make it to my house, I’ll provide you with sanctuary, simian amnesty and all of the carrot cake & bananas you can stomach for the rest of your natural life!
* It's now 5 minutes since my last post. Who wants to come by for sweets?
* It’s official. I now live in an Easy Bake Oven. The heat has turned my home into a place where little girls can bake cakes or cookies by simply placing raw sugary dough on a flat surface (kitchen counter, a bed, toilet seat lid, my EKG lines after tonight’s heat stroke, etc.…). The bell that rings will signify the culmination of freshly baked desserts and simultaneously, spontaneous human combustion.
* Uuuugggghhhhhh!!!!!!! Why does hair (on one’s head) have to grow back so slowly?!?!?! Why did I take that bet?!?!?! Why is my head so shinny?!?!?! Why can’t I get my time machine to function properly?!?!?! If there is one bit of silver lining to my dark and grey cloud, it is that I have coined a new term; Birth Control Haircut®. Yes, I had it registered.
* This report just in from Palm Spring: I lost a bet and proceeded to loose my hair. I’m a man of my word and shaved it clean per the agreement/wager. Call me cue ball, curly or any other clever term to describe a bloke without hair. Just make sure you call me honorable because it wasn’t easy and It don’t look good either!!!!!
* Flying to San Francisco today via Virgin America! I’m very excited about getting out of town but I have to ask, is “Virgin” really the connotation an airline wishes to present to prospective passengers? I’m very confused. Does this mean my flight is to be loaded with sexually inexperienced individuals or is my flight crew on their maiden voyage? I trust it’s the aforementioned because let’s face it; I wouldn’t mind the feeling of sexual prowess over 150 strangers confined in an airborne aluminum coffin. Alternatively, I don’t want seniority over an individual wearing a funny hat/jacket combo who goes by the name “Captain”. Am I wrong?:down: :down:

My idea of a perfect date? That's a tough one. I would have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot. It's not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.