Oh.... my kingdom for but one honest, mature (mentally), faithful woman!
Oh wait, the last one (woman) took most of my kingdom!
Ok, my KitKat bar for....




At A Loss.
I'm not sure what it will take...
I'm not sure I have it in me.
I want to... don't I?
I wonder if I'm holding myself back sometimes.
They say it is better to have loved and lost...
but maybe I don't want to test that little theory again.
But to go through life (how ever much is left me) without...
Without a hand to hold; without a face to wake to; without whispers in the night;
Without Love?
I'm thinking so.







It's hard to save $ for a Russian Bride!
Maybe I better get a 3rd job!


End The Fed
I'll be in Chicago on Nov. 22nd for the End The Fed Rally...
Love to see you there!



It's All My Fault...
Always shooting for the stars,
But grounding myself before I even launch!
Ah, the life of a self-defeating under-achiever.




Time for a change....
Of HEART!
One way or another... I'm moving on!
No more waiting, wondering and regretting!
I have tried... I can't go back, I can't make what is wrong right... not on my own anyway!
So, why beat myself up? It's done. Over. Been so for a long time.
I won't listen to my stupid achy heart anymore... what the hell does it know anyways!?!
It's time for a new love.... one that I can pour myself into...
Here's to new beginnings!


SO F'IN SICK OF WOMEN MAKING ME...
MISERABLE!
Update: I figured something out, it's not the women who are making me miserable...
IT'S ME!
I won't let myself be happy. I can't let myself be happy.
It's a backward, upside-down,& ridiculous self-protection character flaw. I don't really know how or when it started (it will probably come to me in the days ahead), but I know it's ruined every serious relationship I've ever had with a woman. I have this built in reflex to shut down a happy reaction... as if I'm not entitled to have them! I suppose a shrink would relate it to self-hatred or a self-denial complex of some sort.
Also, somehow it got ingrained in me that if I every let myself be happy (or at least show that I'm happy) the woman will see that as weakness and leave me! Is that sick or what? It's the whole Spock the emotionless Vulcan syndrome! Take for example my ex ; I loved her more than any other woman I've ever been with (as it should be). I was thrilled with her. I loved every minute of our lives together. When she was away, I was an emotional wreck. I wanted no other woman... it didn't even cross my mind. I loved that we would grow old together and watch our family grow too. I pictured us sitting on the porch watching the grand-kids play. She was my life. You think she knew it? Nah, she thought I could barely stand being around her... that I was embarrassed by her (imagine that!). It was only after 11 and a half years of her thinking that I wanted to push her away, that she actually did what she thought I wanted.... she left. I was, and am, devastated. Which is not something that an emotionless Vulcan ought to be.
So where do I go from here?
My feelings are connected to a life that I loved, a life that is gone. My future looks to be one of regret and loneliness... unable to put the hurt behind me... unsure if I could even open up again... this time all the way.


Just too tired right now... please be patient.
Check out this song... my favorite right now!

You´re Not Shaken by Phil Stacey

I am sinking in a river that is raging
I am drowning
Will I ever, rise to breathe again
I wanna know why
I just wanna understand
Will I ever know why?
How could this be from Your hand?

When every little thing that I dream of being just slips away like water through my hands
And when it seems the walls of my beliefs come crashing down like they’re all made of sand
I won’t, let go of You now
because I know, oh, You’re not shaken

I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers
So grip me while I’m here
And I may never know why
Oh I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes,
and trust this is Your plan

When I am in the valley
of the shadow of death

You’re not shaken
You’re not shaken

your right here beside me
and you will never leave

------------------------------------------------------------


Time to make a change....

Oh, for a hand to hold,
A warmth to know.
By my side
Whatever the weather.
Two hearts to beat as one,
Forever?


I'm Much Better Now....
I'd really like to find love (again) before we're all quarantined!




I Hate Friday Nights!

A great weight presses down on me.
It makes it hard to breathe or even take a step.
It is the heaviness of being alone, of being without her.
It's like I'm at the bottom of an ocean of despair,
The full height of the depths above me... I'm drowning.
I try to go on, I try to get out... to swim for the surface,
But I just get more alone in a sea of people.
My life was here and now is gone,
And I don't know for to go on.
They say it is better to have lost what you have found,
But I think that I'd just as well wish that love had never come around.
The memory is just too strong, I can't force it down...
How do you love again when a love of a lifetime has left you with nothing,
But a lifetime alone?







Writer's Block
Funny thing... there is so much going on, but I have nothing to write about. Or rather, nothing I feel like writing about. It's like the whole world has taken a deep breath and I'm waiting for it to exhale. I don't know how many of you out there are awake, but if you choose the Red Pill, give me a shout and I'll show you to the rabbit hole. It's up to you to see how deep it goes.


A Bit of Truth:
Ok...Here's the thing. I'm still carrying a torch for someone from my past. Everyone I know (almost) tells me to move on... and I know they are probably right, but you can't turn feelings on and off like a light switch. Can you? I can't.
It's just that I was so committed to her and had such joy thinking about our futures together, that I really can't see myself with anybody else (yet).
Here's the thing... she isn't coming back. I've waited, I've prayed... but she isn't coming back.
So, I need a lady so incredible, so amazing, so breath-taking, that I can't help but fall madly in love. I need to be caught up in a romance so passionate that it sweeps away any doubt or lingering feelings. I need to light a new torch... one that shines with a new love, a new future, a new heart.

Any ladies out there think they can light me up?




When I say I Do
Matthew West

There

Something that would allow conversation... not a movie or a club. Oh! We could go snipe hunting! JK. They aren't even in season. ;Op



At the start
He was there
He was there
In the end
He’ll be there
He’ll be there
And after all
Our hands have wrought
He forgives

Oh, the glory of it all
Is He came here
For the rescue of us all
That we may live
For the glory of it all
Oh, the glory of it all

All is lost
Find Him there
Find Him there
After night
Dawn is there
Dawn is there
And after all
Falls apart
He repairs
He repairs

Oh, He is here
With redemption from the fall
That we may live
For the glory of it all
Oh, the glory of it all

After night
Comes a light
Dawn is here
Dawn is here
It’s a new day, a new day
Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
We will never be the same

Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
We will never be same

David Crowder Band