What’s a poor girl to do?
I mean there you are, just living your life, minding your own business and waiting for your prince to come along, but instead you get hit on by an endless parade of morons, psychopaths, trolls and guys named “Skeeter” with textbook cases of poor oral hygiene. Wanting to believe there’s something more out there, you turn to internet dating; only to discover that same collection of aforementioned miscreants all have computers and they know how to use them. Before you know it they’re all copying pictures out of GQ.com and pasting them into their profiles. So now you find yourself sitting in some Starbucks, sipping your double latte and waiting for mister tall dark and handsome to come through the door, when in walks a halfwit dwarf with a bad case of eczema and a speech impediment, his sweaty little hand clutching a week old wilted rose that he bought from some street vendor for half price. Does any of this sound familiar?
Well I can promise you no such surprises here because I’ll tell you straight up, I ain’t tall, I ain’t buff, and I damn sure ain’t pretty. Oh, and I don’t dance, go to church or take long walks on the beach either. But cheer up because that’s pretty much it for the downside, it’s all good news from here on.
I love to laugh and in case you hadn't noticed by now, have a wicked sense of humor. I give you fair warning though, you’ve got to be quick on your feet if you're going to keep up with me, and you absolutely must be able to take a joke and laugh at yourself, I certainly can and I wholeheartedly invite you to bring it, if you've got the game.
I've been told, by people who supposedly know about such things, that I’m a pretty smart guy. No, I don’t have a wall full of degrees, but if you want to discuss history, literature, science, philosophy (my personal favorite, love to ask the big questions) or any number of other topics, I can usually keep up without making a complete fool of myself. Just don’t play Jeopardy with me, I’ll make you cry.
I enjoy being creative too. I’m a musician, photographer and videographer, which is someone who takes home movies and edits them into something that hopefully won't make you want to claw your eyes out. Truthfully though, I have to admit that I seem to possess a lot more enthusiasm than I do actual talent in any of these pursuits. And finally I’m trustworthy, loyal, helpfully, friendly and all the rest of that boy scout crap.
So that’s pretty much the story here, now it’s just up to you to decide what’s more important, the treasure or the chest. And for those of you who normally wouldn’t consider dating anyone who doesn’t have the inseam on an NBA point guard look on the bright side, with me you’re a sure bet to take home the grand prize at a limbo contest.
Oh, and just in case you thought you were the only one having a hard time searching for your perfect mate, you try finding a pole dancing PhD who looks like Heidi Klum and cooks like Paula Deen sometime.
Semi-serious side note: If you are reading this profile because I’ve sent you an email and you just don’t find me to be someone that you’re interested in (yes I know, as incredulous as that sounds, it does happen) please either just delete the email without responding, or if you are compelled to be polite, a brief “thanks but no thanks” would be appreciated. What I would ask is that you don’t attempt to spare my feelings with stories of how you’re not meeting anybody new right now because your beloved grandfather is on his deathbed or you’re in training for your upcoming shuttle mission. While I do appreciate the intent, you are in fact only insulting my intelligence and that is something that I take far more personally than a simple rejection. Don’t worry, I’m a big boy, I can take it.
Thanks.
Disclaimer: No halfwit dwarfs were harmed in the making of this profile.

Oh let's wing it, just be sure to leave your heels at home.