I lyk to pul birds and av a laff wit th.... error: grammar not found. please restart.
Well now the obligatory 'hilarious one-liner' is out the way, I can begin.

So I have to say something here - something wacky that sets me apart from the others and makes you think "Hmm, he's interesting. I wonder why there aren't more men like him?"

Well no. I'm Tom. 21. Have a lovely girlfriend. I'm here to make friends.
I'm not perving or leching. I don't want a shag, but thanks for the offer.
Due to a lack of quality in my facial appearance, I have to rely on my attempted wit. Which doesn't really work.

If you like any of these people, then already we have a conversation topic: Dylan Moran, Eddie Izzard, Simon Pegg, Danny Wallace, Nick Frost, Father Jack Hackett, Myself, Yourself.

Same thing, with music: Eels, Bloody Beetroots, Belle & Sebastian, Diplo, Sonic Boom Six, Spunge, Regina Spektor, David Bowie, The Beatles, Devotchka. Gigs, Music videos, playing instruments. And 5ive. Seriously. Best boyband ever.

Or these things: tattoos, piercings, horror films, old game consoles, making things, reading, lying on the grass, helping trapped/injured animals/insects, talking, listening, sarcasm, spontaneity, realising that the way you dress doesn't define who you are and your beliefs.

Magic tricks. I don't know any. But I could improvise.