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Not had this theme on for a while, so firmly tongue in cheek and please dont be offended, let's give a big warm welcome to ..... (b)LADIES DATING PROFILES!! (b)

My favourite: 1) Women not looking for no strings love yet cavort on their profile pics in bra and panties!!! Oh, sorry you're on commission for Marks & Spencer!
2)The ten year old pics!! Sorry but do I look like a time lord? You can't date the past!
3)Looking for tall dark and handsome!! He's already married girls, time to make a few concessions. Room for a quasimodo look alike? Sanctuary anyone?
4)Must provide laughs on date every 15 seconds! I think Peter Kay is spoken for too!
5)Must be at least 6 foot - I thought 2 feet was the average? (With emphasis - I see this a lot, see you swimming......at the shallow end!!)
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Dating is certainly no magic wand and it's no guarantee, it only means you will meet more people in your search for whomever you're searching for. Alas the woman of my dreams appears to be the 'Hide and Seek' world champion who has managed to find a most devious hiding spot!!
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Dating checklist.

1) Fairly attractive, Jessica Alba lookalikes message me now please!
2) Youthful looking.
3) Intelligent, I.Q.s of 120 + only.
4) Good cook!
5) Must be fit ie capable of running at least 1 mile in 10 mins or less.
6) Must be fit, please refer to Jessica Alba stipulation above!
7) Must have at least 2 recent photos, time and date stamped in reasonable lighting.
One of the pics must be full body length!
8) Signed doctor's note certifying mental stability!
9) Must like beer, football, sex and more football, not necessarily in that order. Oh and don't forget the football! Did I mention the football?
10) Must have a DYSON household hoover rating of at least 3.0(Expert proficiency).
11) Must laugh at all cheesy jokes without prompting!
12) Must not have raucous laugh(Sid James) nor shreiking laugh (Bonnie Langford).
13) Must file dating plan at least 48 hours in advance for approval.
14) Must sign non disclosure form re date prior to pick up. Any release of information from date must of course only be in the format of Dave's Dating Diaries (c) TM, available at all good stockists. Standard royalty package applies.
15) Please refer to additional contractual notes in volumes 2 through 5 of the small print in the addendums to the enclosures within the attached appendices.

Good luck ladies!!!

P.s the above is of course NOT serious!!
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Appearing in: THE RETURN OF THE PANTO HORSE: roguesurfer in his latest blockbuster!!

Barry Norman wrote: 'Following on from his last appearance in 'My Date is An Alien' roguesurfer is in sublime form!' Gasp with each dating faux pas! Revel in each pause between speaking. Be shocked at the inappropriate smutty comments during the meal!

Shrink in horror at the naughty habits displayed and the production of mating marsupials during desert! Not for the feint hearted!!!
Certifcate : Insanity!
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Me! Caring,sensitive, witty, intelligent, generous just a few, won't put too many down or you will think I'm not real! Fairly open, heart on his sleeve kind of guy.

Interests: The gym, action films/dvd's (The Crow, Black Hawk Down, Star Wars, LOTR) music(rock). Socialising. Law & Order/CSI/The Mentallist/Supernatural/Mock The Week?Have I got News being a few of my current favourites. Prefer Vegas to Miami, I think Hooratio has killed more people on the show than everyone else put together. Not bad for a scientist? /boggle.


Where I am: Solvent, own place, time to share, no car(yet!) Ok job, secure, still quite ambitious, professional, motivated.

Looking for: The elusive and enigmatic one! A myth? I hope not. Looking for someone nice and to see where that goes. I don't believe in magic wand solutions and I'm prepared to be flexible. Someone with energy, looks after herself, slim to medium/average size, preferably a non smoker and not too far away!

Inclined to take more risks these days in the search of happiness. I think you have to be these days. Nils satis, nils optimum.

Dating dilemmas: a few, but then again, too few too mention. The past.. irrelevant, I hold no baggage!!
Sums me up: Not half empty, but not half full either, more that theres another 6 bottles in the wine rack.
My take: Too good to miss! Well you have to blow your own trumpet, no one else will!
Fave animal: Lion, no dog, no zebra, no water vole!

My key attribute: My decisiveness! Apologies in advance if I dont reply to those without pictures.

Not looking for: Women who generalise and are negative in their profiles, we are all individuals!!!! But good luck anyway...!

Assess the datee (you) with my 300 point dating assessment manual. Successful applicants to be notified of the requirements for stage 2!

ROFL...

Was going to put a meerkat pic up here but the site mods dont have asense of humour, so your stuck with pics of me! apologies!