(Author's Note: I know that with these internet profiles, you're suppose to put your best foot forward in your vain attempt to attract more attention then everybody else. However, I learned a long time ago that isn't always the best thing to do. So what I've decided to do is put my WORST foot forward since if you can't survive my profile, then there's no way you're going to be able to survive me! Humor is a huge part of my life so if you don't find what's below humorous, then we'll probably never get along. Enjoy and remember: it can only get better from here, ladies!)

I consider myself to be an honest man. In fact, anyone that has ever known me has considered me to be not just honest, but brutally honest; meaning that even when I SHOULD lie, I don't. So in light of this wonderful quality that I have so mastered, I have decided to make this section a complete no-holds-barred truth session about me.

I’m obviously having trouble finding dates. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here nearly as much as I am since I would actually have a life! However; that doesn't mean that I'm going to date just anybody. Contrary to popular belief there are guys out there that won't just date/sleep with a woman simply because she has a pulse. There ARE guys that are like that and hell, some of them don't even require the pulse, but thankfully, I am neither of those types of guys.

I am not one to call myself a "nice guy" for I think we are all in agreement that there really aren't any nice guys left out there. All you have left are guys who are just not much of an as*hole. And that's where I am right now: I'm just not that much of an as*hole. I do consider myself to be a GOOD guy. I haven't forgotten how to treat a woman and I pride myself on having that ability. Not all men do. Not even 40% of us do. And even out of that 40%, over half of them suck at it.

I love the words buoy, phallus, plethera, dingy, gunt, and taint! They just roll off the tongue. Oh, and douchebag.

Speaking of the tongue; I'm quite good with mine... end of story.

I have a good job that makes me a good amount of money. That doesn't mean that I'm going to take you shopping or buy you expensive jewelry, but it does mean that I'm not an unemployed loser who can't take care of himself. It also means that when we go on a date, I'll be more than happy to pay for it, minus any shopping you might want to do. But I will say this, if the woman plays Darts, Pool, and especially GOLF with any sort of talent, she will have a Tiffany ring on her finger by the end of the week. I'm not bluffing either.

One of my nicknames in high school was “Truck”. I know most men have some nickname for their phallus (love that word!) so I nicknamed mine Trike. It fits too because it's pretty small. Or "average" as I've been told it is. Don’t worry; I’m well aware that is just a nice way for a woman to say it’s small. But that's ok! I've embraced my dill pickle sized pleasure tool and have taught myself lots of other tricks to nullify that deficiency. Just remember: It's not the size of the wand that counts! It's the spell you cast with it! And what I lack in inches, I gain in technique!

Even though I’m completely hetero, I think it would be great to have anal intercourse with Sean Connery. He doesn’t even have to use lube. As long as he spoke to me in that accent of his, I think it would be well worth the loss of blood from my rectal cavity. I believe everyone should feel the same way about this as I do.

I have a big forehead with a receding hairline. Now, some guys think that this makes them look "scholarly", "sophisticated", and like a "gentleman". I think it makes me look like tool.

Think I’m a great catch yet? Well you should because I am! I’m intelligent, funny, ROMANTIC, honest, faithful, semi-sexy in a pair of blue jeans, sensitive, trustworthy… you get the idea. I know looking over that list of wonderful adjectives that I just seem too good to be true. Well, you’re right. Whereas those are all true, I’m also a complete sarcastic prick who likes to act like I have an ego the size of China. On a scale of 1 to 10 of being a smart ass, I’d rank about a 54. I don’t think you’ll find anybody that will disagree with that assessment. But I do it all in jest so it works itself out naturally.

What the problem here is, you women don't want just a nice guy. You want a nice guy who is HOT. And why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you settle for a good looking man with the personality of a grapefruit and an ego the size of Texas? Sure, he may be able to make his man-boobs do the Marcarena and I can only make mine do the hopscotch, but I'll make you far happier than he ever will, and that's a guarantee.

I'm exceptionally good with my hands. Do with that information what you will!

I'm not your Prince Charming. And I'm certainly not your White Knight. I'm just an Al Bundy looking for my Peggy.

There's two kinds of people that I hate. The people who use the phrase "Life is too short..." (because, come on, what can you possibly do that's LONGER???) And the people who write a description of themselves right next to their picture! (Are you kidding me!? I can SEE you know! Do I really need to READ what you look like? Do you not think that I'll be able to tell from your PICTURE what you look like? I may be a guy, but I'm not THAT stupid!)It just makes me want to club a baby seal. Seriously, if there was one next to me, I would grab a club and just go to town on the thing! I hate it that much! Oh, and shorthand. Can't STAND shorthand! It's like I'm talking to a retarded gorilla. And I said retarded gorilla because I'm sure a non-retarded one could type in a more understandable and non lazy ass way.

After years of pain, suffering, tears, heartache, and determination, I have finally won my 1,000,000th game of computer Solitaire! Go me! Supposively my jacket will be arriving in 6-8 weeks! Now, why it takes that long to stitch "Loser" onto a freakin coat is beyond me...

This is just a warning, but don’t ask me stupid questions like: “What are you thinking about?” or “Does this make me look fat?” (The answer will always be YES! Not because it actually does, but just because you asked me. Sometimes I might even throw in a comparison between you and a cow) And just remember, you started it!

I have every messenger out there so if you'd like to talk to me on there, just let me know!

Regardless of how you may take this profile (and you'd better take it as being hilarious!!) I'm an exceptionally easy person to talk to. You should give it a try, I gaurantee you won't be disappointed!

What I would do on a first date is completely dependant upon the woman I'm going on the date with. I've done the dinner and a movie bit and it was absolutely perfect, and I've planned dates that lasted over 9 hours with a whole slew of activities. I've always been a person that cares more about the person I'm with then what we actually do. But regardless of whom I go on the first date with, it will be planned and I will make it very special.