Let's see, what else can I tell you about myself which hasn't been covered in the tabloids. While we are on the subject let me set one thing straight. I was not with Mel the night he was arrested nor was I egging him on when he was verbally taunting the police. The audio and photos were faked and that rag The National Enquirer will be hearing from my lawyer.

I am an intelligent man with a great sense of humor and who is very passionate. I have high morals, values and empathy. I also have excellent communication skills and love good conversation ranging from the inane to the profound.

Some of my hobbies are but not limited to playing guitar badly, coaching my Buzkashi team to the Buzkashi World Championship, hiking, drinking cactus cooolers with Fred and Barney while scheming up ways to go to the Loyal Order of Water Buffalo lodge without their wives knowing, reading, watching movies, "retiring" renegade androids...wait that was a movie with Harrison Ford, writing fiction, playing and watching sports, counseling a young boy who sees dead people...wait a minute, that was a movie with Bruce Willis,. d*mn THIS REALITY/FANTASY MIX-UP. D*MN IT TO HELL!

Job-wise, I spend my time between two professions. The first one is working for the Living Island Department of Homeland Security. We assess threats and work with HR Pufnstuf's office to prevent another terrorist attack from Witchypoo. I also work part-time as a negotiator to help keep the peace between the Star Belly Sneetches and the Plain Belly Sneetches. We've averted war between the two species three times this year but but their oneupmanship is starting to get real old. You can never teach a Sneetch.

Places I've traveled to: Imaginationland, To Hell and Back Again, Fantasy Island (That Tattoo tried to hump my leg as soon as I got off the plane. What a little pervert!), Where The Wild Things Are, BumF*ck Egypt (Hard to find and it took me forever to get there but once I arrived, I found out what a wonderful place it is. The most interesting aspect of my time spent there is that everyone who lives there has the last name BumF*ck. No really, it's true. Mayor BumF*ck greeted me soon after I arrived in town and what a delightful man he was. Tom and Mary BumF*ck made me a wonderful meal at their family owned business, BumF*ck Cafe. Try their dutch apple pie. It's terrific. Reverend John BumF*ck prayed for me, and Doctor Bumf*ck treated me for malaria when I was there. What a splendiferous time I had in the wonderful city of BumF*ck Egypt).

Also, I love animals. And once a year I help out our feathered friends by leading The March of the Penguins. Boy, were they angry the first year when I got us lost and we ended up in Tennessee. They sure changed their tune though when they found out we were going to tour Graceland. Little known fact about Emporer Penguins, they are huge Elvis Presley fans. While Adelie Penguins like jazz and Rockhopper Penguins love David Hasselhoff music. Sorry, can’t explain that last one. Just one of the many mysteries of the animal kingdom.

What type of woman am I looking for? I'm most attracted to three-nippled, bi-polar bagladies...Okay, I'm just joking on that one. Not that I have anything against three-nippled, bi-polar bagladies. In fact, every three-nippled, bi-polar baglady I've ever met, has been a fine and upstanding, honorable citizen. And every year I generously donate to the N.A.A.T.B.B. For those of who have never heard of them it stands for the North American Advancement for Three-nippled Bipolar Bagladies. An organization which has done much in this country for the causes of three-nippled, bi-polar bagladies. Well, I just wanted to clarify my feelings on this subject. So, if any of this profile interests you, whether you're a three-nippled, bi-polar baglady or not, feel free to drop me a line.

*Note: Please do not contact me unless you intend to pursue further communication and dating. Also, it's highly unlikely I would be compatible with anyone who is very religious*

Steal all of Regis Philbin's underwear, infiltrate the secret headquarters of the Teletubbies and destroy their nefarious plans, go to the intervention for the Cookie Monster to help him once and for all beat his cookie addiction, plant stolen Regis Philbin underwear in Vince Vaughn's house, find a priest to perform an exorcism on my demon possessed Mortimer Snerd ventriloquist dummy, take Gruff McGruff the Crime Dog to obedience school (for the life of me I cannot get him housebroken), buy boxes of silver bullets (the werewolf population is growing again...and this time, I will be ready), leave anonymous tip with police as to where they can find Regis Philbin's stolen underwear, then after all that, we can head out for a drink or a bite to eat.