For years, I used be A Nice Guy - because that's what I was. And all the time women would pass me over for jerks. I've learned the hard lessons of life.

So, in order to please the ladies, I've become A Real Jerk. By the time I've finished with you, all your worst prejudices about men will be confirmed and you'll have so many stories to whine about with your girlfriends that you'll wonder what you ever gossiped about without me.

I know that appearance is more important to you than substance, so I've had surgery to be over 6 foot. You prefer the superficial appearance of decisiveness and confidence to either the honest expression of uncertainty or to any consideration of your thoughts and feelings. So I'll be deciding what to do and you can just tag along in sullen resentment.

I know you like a strong guy, so I'll be completely self-absorbed and almost oblivious to your existence.

I certainly won't call when I say I shall - that would be too boring and predictable. Oh - don't get me wrong! I clean up real good - I've learnt that your lust for superficial guys extends beyond my physical appearance to my wardrobe, manicure and hair.

You prefer my buffed body to real sexual competence, so don't expect any consideration for your needs in the bedroom - I just want to get my rocks off and have something to brag about in the office tomorrow.

I won't bore you by asking you about your feelings or your opinions, but will talk for hours about myself. I'll annoy you so much that you'll be thinking about me all day in the office. And, at the end, when you finally, REALLY decide to dump me, after weeks of hand-wringing indecision, don't think I'll care - after all there's a limitless supply of women like you to choose from.

Ladies - take a number and queue here!