Before you read on, you must do this math equation.

Take your height in inches.. (say you are 5'2, that is 62inches). Then divide height into your pounds weight. Here is the equation: W/H = X

If "X" is greater than 2. 25 then IMMEDIATELY stop reading this profile and move on. Seriously, dont even read another word. I will not write you back.

Second - If you are over the age of 38.. stop.. I am not cougar bait. Move on.

Third, if you are not Caucasian.. move on. I don't mean Obama white either. I mean both parents are anglo-saxen..

If you pass the first three tests, read on.. But beware, it only gets worse from here.

Lets face it. Both sexes have what I would call high maintenance individuals. For you ladies out there who are reading this.. you know if you are in the category. I have been flooded lately with just spoiled rotten females. My friends say I bring it on myself by the way and manner for which I meet women. Usually I get referred to girls, sometimes I randomly meet them and other times I use online help. But is there at least one girl in Virginia Beach who can answer no to the following questions?
1. Does your breath generally smell like an ash tray?
2. Do people dive out of the way when you are approaching a buffet line?
3. Did you learn most of your dance moves in the 70's?
4. Have you ever been issued a restraining order?
5. Have you ever slashed your boyfriends tires because he was hanging out with your brother's baby mama?
6. Have you ever been on probation?
7. Is texting your primary form of communication?
8. Is your car payment higher then your house payment?
9. Do you think marijuana is still cool?
10. Have you been fired from your job and been told by your boss that McDonald's is hiring?

Ok, so sarcastic me.. You really need to answer NO to each question. If you answered yes to any question, you are disqualified. Further, you must answer these questions to my satisfaction:

1. Would a dentist say:
A. Your teeth are perfect
B. They are good, especially for your age
C. You could use a dozen shades of whitening
D. Your gum line/tooth ratio is uneven and they want to send you to a specialist because you resemble Mr. Ed
E. None of the above because you have never seen a dentist

2. If you have a baby daddy, he is:
A. Stable and in a health co-parenting relationship
B. Kinda wacky, but mostly interested in having a good relationship with his child/children
C. Has a restraining order issued against him not to come in a hundred feet of you
D. Has abducted your last boyfriend and no one has seen either of them in over 48 hours
E. Which baby daddy you talking about

3. When you stand straight up and look down you can see all the way to:
A. Boobs
B. Belly
C. Feet
D. Waist
E. I cant stand straight up because I have bad posture

4. Your last boyfriend would say you are:
A. Overly generous
B. Self sufficient without a lot of need to seek help from others
C. Codependent on your mother
D. Crazy as a two-pecker billy goat
E. My exboyfriend cant talk because I killed him and he is cut up and in my freezer

Are you still with me?

However, if you are NICE, well educated, minimal drama and are very easy going, why not write me. Most people after reading this will say that I am a pompous jackass. However, if you are laughing, and know exactly what I mean, then you may be the one I am looking for.

I can't believe I have to say this, but due to recent contact from MEN on here, if you have a "special" package between your legs, which we will call it a PIRATE, then don't look at my profile. This is not homo-pof.com. I have not, will not nor will ever want to date a dude or have any dude parts on, in or near me. Therefore no communication from MEN.