"I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the wave, dodgin the bullet and pushin the envelope. I’m on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I've got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top and under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial!

I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers.

I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last! I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty maturely post-traumatic and I’ve got a love-child that sends me hate mail.

But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing-- a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is hardcore--no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically- formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean!****d, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin and movin, sailin and spinin, jiving and groovin, wailin and winnin. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hangin in, there ain’t no doubt and I’m hangin tough, over and out!"
My friends tell me I am “not welcome here and leave before we call the police!”
My team of psychiatrists tells me that I am a very, very funny person and that I should be taking many more drugs.
The voices in my head tell me that I am normal!
And despite suicide being the most sincere form of self criticism, it is probably the last thing I will ever do.
On Fridays I’m Muslim, Saturdays Jewish, Sundays Christian, Mondays Buddhist and on Wednesdays and Thursdays I have to service my Mormon wives four at a time to keep my vows and dogly duties. Tuesdays are reserved for creating universes.
Don’t tell my mother, but I am a closet heterosexual and my sister is a proselyte.
Sexually, what I do is kinky and what everyone else does is sick and perverted. My fidelity is dictated by my options. The evidence of my well spent youth is that I am really good at shooting pool and I know all the words to all the songs and I have 50+ **stard children causing havoc all over the world.
My hobbies are:
Shooting Bambi’s and other cute helpless furry animals from a helicopter with a high powered, laser telescopic sighted rifle in the company of Sarah Palin. That really gets our testicles going!
Fishing, it breaks the routine and boredom of drinking next to water.
Making big money, (unfortunately last time it was a quarter of an inch too big),
Listening to the sounds of trees falling over on top of Mt Everest.
Hiking, which means strolling (with very expensive “hiking boots”) from my Rolls Royce in the parking lot to the restaurant. I usually need a gurney on the way back.
Spending time on the beach because when I pass out and fall over, I don’t get too injured!
Being outdoors, or outdoor activities (only when I’m a homeless vagrant.)
Faking genuine sincerity. (I am certified by all major religions)
Non-traditional rituals.
Intentional insouciance.
I STAND FOR:-
Burkhas for strippers.
Break dancing for epileptics.
Catholics’ no child’s behind left.
Just say possibly maybe (depends on quality and price)
Dying for your country before you can legally drink (or f) to it
Dying for corporations
Socialism for the rich
Freedom for others to take away mine
Ethical treatment of masochists (only if they don’t agree)
Justice for attorney generals or maybe vice versa
Persecution of paranoids (and other extra terrestrials)

Music taste: adult disoriented rock, middle of the gridlocked road stuff. I’m a headbanger, because it feels so good when I stop. I absolutely adore Milli Vanilli (live), anything by Miley C or Britney S, “Fingernails on Chalkboard” and the dance moves of Pavorotten

I enjoy washing greasy dishes, cleaning windows, doing the laundry, ironing clothes. Also aquatic sports like waterboarding in Caribbean resorts (Guantanamo), or other exotic places like Afghanistan or Iraq
If you believe most of the above please DO NOT CONTACT ME, BUT, immediately renew your subscription to the Republican Party and the KKK and/or reenlist.
BUT for more free endorphins and possible mutual (temporary?) oxytocin (and if very lucky, oxycontin), have your people contact my people. (Maybe they can pencil you in somewhere)

WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO - (you are my host in this country - entertain me! lol)
Picnic in a park?
Comedy club?
I try hard to be vegan, so dining out isn't usually big fun, (but I do cheat occasionally at In 'n Out) and I'm willing to feed you anything, anywhere you wish.
San Diego Zoo (or Aquarium) is one of the best.
BEST FIRST DATE NEVER ENDS