I got a do not disturb sign on my bedroom door. It says do not disturb. I's time to go with don't disturb. It's been do not disturb for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. Don't disturb, do not psyches you out. "Do" alright I need to disturb this guy. "Not" SHIT! I need to read faster!

I like to wear do not disturb signs around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. Hey, how you doin nephew. Knock Knock, Hey read the sign punk!

I sit in my house at night, I think of something funny, then I go get a pen and write it down. Or if the pens to far away, I have to convince myself of what thought of ain't funny.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be to long.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

My roomate said to me, I'm gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird ass quiz where she reveals the answer first.

whenever I have to shave, I assume there's someone eles on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna shave, too."

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so...Yeah"

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? Then they'll think you're c*cky.

I drank some boiling water 'cause I wanted to whistle.

My fake plants just died because I did not pretend to water them.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations I've travelled to. But first I'm gonna have to travell to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I didn't go to college but if I did I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant 'cause "The costumer's always right."

I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a "baby naming book" Or I would invite somebody over who had on a cast.

I want to be a race car passenger: Just a guy who bugs the driver. " Say man,can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window ? You should make a right. Boy, you really like Tide "

I like rice man..rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2000 of something.

Last week I went to the doctor's and all he did was suck blood from me...whatever you do... Do not go and see Dr.Acula!! Muahahaaaa

Hey, If you're a fish and your dream is to become a fish stick..You had better have good posture!

I think Pringles first intensions were to make tennis balls, but on the day of the delivery, a truck load of patatoe's showed up, but Pringles is such a layed back company...They were like.... F*ck It! cut em up!

Man, do I hate dreaming.. It's to much like work. I close my eyes, fall asleep and the next thing I know I am buiding a go kart with my ex landlord. I want to have a dream of me sleeping.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.

Yeah, this comedy is all part of my "Get Rich Slow" scheme and it's working.

I don't know but.. You know when you go to a restaurant and they start calling out people's names like Dufrain party of 2 Dufrain party of 2 and then when no one answers they just move on to the next name like Bush party of 3 Bush party of 3. Yeah but what happened to the Dufrain's ? Nobody seems to care.. How can anybody eat at a time like this.? you people are selfish. The dufrain's are in sombody's trunk right now, with duct tape over there mouths, annnnnd they're hungry That's a double Whammy !!!! they need... Help! Bush search party of 3, you can eat once you find the Dufrain's!

Or we could just...Get drunk and make bad decisions ;)