*Yes gentleman, I know I have one of the longest profiles on here, but after reading it, you have to admit, it's good! lol

11 REASONS (for now) WHY YOU SHOULD DATE ME:

1. I have an amazing smile. I have nice teeth, see... (smiling) crap why didn't someone tell my I had broccoli in my teeth? Hold on a second, (floss floss) much better see??? (smiling again). By the way, hopefully you do too, (have nice teeth, not broccoli in them) because I am a teeth freak, sorry.

B. I am hysterically funny (at least I think so!) I also snort when I laugh really hard. If you are also hysterically funny I just may wet myself (oh wait, scratch that, note to self.. do not talk about peeing).. continue...

3. I hate clutter and messes (hopefully you do too). 95% of the time you can walk into my house and I won't be ashamed. Unlike some of the men I met who when I went over to their place, I couldn't find my way past the door. If the birdsnest he left in the toliet wasn't bad enough, I had to look at his toy collectables, WOW....

4. If I am truly into you... I'll always have your back (you someday may have my front, lol)

5. I will eventually say something that will make you go huh? Such as cotton balls make me icky inside (lucky I am not a rabbit) but yet I like the smell of skunk (which by the way, I have only met one other person besides me that does). If you do, then I know for sure, we truly are a match made in heaven, lol.

6. I have countless stories to entertain you with that have no point to them. Like the time I went on a first date to a bowling alley (my suggestion) not knowing the guy was missing his 3 middle fingers. B*stard still bowled better than me! Those damn gutter bumpers. Then there is the time I had a blind date and his seeing eye dog bit me. Note to self: no more blind dates!

7. Someday... You'll get the joy of meeting my parents. My dad (whose personality I have) is totally inappropriate and has no filter from his brain to his mouth, so that's always enjoyable for me, wondering what he is going to say to you. Even better is sometimes he hears you wrong (because of the five pounds of hair in his ears) which makes me wonder if he puts miracle grow on them because seriously it looks like a squirrel took up residency in his ears. One time my sister was cleaning the house and she told him "I'm done with the bathroom" his reply "Batman's at the door??" He's a hoot all right. My mother, that one I can't even put into words, you have to see for yourself. The only woman I know who walks around in a robe and lipstick on, no other makeup, just lipstick. If that isn't scary enough, it's everywhere but her lips! Hmmm I wonder if I was adopted???

8. I have a wonderful, happy balanced life. No addictions, no meds, no crazy ex, awesome kids... I'm emotionally, mentally, financially stable and have nooooo problem expressing myself verbally or physically. I have a job I looooove, awesome friends and family, there is truly nothing I want or need, EXCEPT YOU!

9. I love to drive so when we go on road trips (trust me we will) I don't get upset if you fall asleep. It gives me time to have concerts in the car, singing Country music (sometimes Classic Rock)and then when I get bored, I'll put things in your ears and nose, then look at you all innocently when you jump up. If we are traveling when it is dark out, I wait for you to fall asleep, then I pull out the flash light, shine it in your eyes and yell TRUCK, just to scare the life out of you. That's some funny sh*t right there!

10. I have a flexible schedule that pretty much lets me do what I want, when I want. Hopefully you will be able to see me a couple times a week and spend overnights. (nudge nudge.. say no more)

11. I am probably one of the most respectful, polite, confident, grateful "don't take anything for granted woman" you will ever meet, who will spoil you to death (if you capture my heart). BUT... I must warn you... I love to swear and f*ck is my favorite word (that darn Catholic upbringing). I like to use it to express humor, frustration or clearing throat.... sexually. The good news is if you have kids, I know how to control my mouth. The even better news is I do not believe in swearing or belittling in a relationship. I wasn't raised that way, nor was it that way in my marriage. I couldn't imagine belittling a man I was with and if he did it to me, I would be heart broken.


FYI... I believe that being beautiful and fit is awesome, but having a healthy soul is even better. Looks fade, but your soul will not.

7/29/09 ****Well Gentlemen... I'm back. Took a little time off and decided to come back to the pond, hopefully the water is still warm....I still haven't found WHO I am looking for, or he still hasn't found me. COME ON ALREADY WOULD YA? lol... My preference....I still lean more toward slightly (37-44) younger men. I absolutely need to be with someone who is funny, can laugh at themselves, laugh at me! Someone forgiving, compassionate and kind. Someone who can have a conversation about anything and everything is awesome. I 99% prefer a non smoker, unless you are so OMG that I wouldn't even notice, lol. Someone who will accept me for the ME I am now, and not who you hope to turn me into. I love a man who challenges me, in a good way. I can't handle door matts. I need a mans man, someone strong who will take the lead. Every woman likes to be with someone who makes her feel protected. I'll try my best to accept you, not change you (unless you ask me too, or you wear floods) if you promise to accept me for who I am. Body, heart, mind and soul.... I have learned to not sweat the small stuff, because honestly in the end, does it even matter? Oh one last thing.... I won't ride on a motorcycle. So if it is important to you to have a chickie poo on the back, well than I guess we both have to say NEXT!

Anywhere where we can talk and get to know each other. Keeping it short and sweet hoping we each look like our pictures, or better! If the attraction is there, and chemistry kicks in, we can bump it up a notch, and make other plans (see below for ideas). If not, well then a polite it was nice to meet you, thank you would end the evening. Date ideas: I am competitive so a sports bar with darts/pools (no skill, all luck here, lol) is fun. Music playing in the background, just hanging out. Naperville Riverwalk has become my one of my favorites. Grab a cold Starbucks, take a walk, sit on the grass and wait patiently for the rabid raccoons to come out and scare the life out of me. That's always good for a laugh! ***I have a favorite hideaway place and restaurant I have been dying to get back to, just need to find that someone special to share it with, is that you?

A POEM FROM ME: Before I lay me down to sleep,I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listens long,One who thinks before he speaks,One who'll call, not wait for weeks.I pray he's rich and self-employed,and when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other,and relish visits with my mother.

A POEM A GUY SENT BACK: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast, nymphomaniac with big t*ts who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t!

**The above is a true story.... I made up. Sheesh you are still reading this? Stop reading and email me already.

Laura