My hobbies include finding out about exotic prehistoric customs, the synthesis of obscure toxic chemicals in plant tissues, and how to swear with strict grammatical accuracy in foreign languages; lifting tree trunks; doing pull-ups from scaffolding while under the influence of cider; watching You Tube videos of the London Symphony Orchestra performing classic rock songs; and writing sneering poems and maxims. This opening salvo doesn't give an entirely proportionate overview of my life, but it's certainly a fascinating distortion.

My goal in life is to revolve into an arboreal primate so that I can live in trees and impress potential mates by thumping my chest and smiting competitors on the cranium with a severed branch.

I'm here to get to know some interesting people and perhaps acquire a part-time social life. As for anything beyond making friends, I don't believe in "soulmates" in any mystical sense, but somewhere not far beneath my surface lies a passionately naive idealist who longs to be deceived.

See "interests" for things I like. Things I dislike include most clubs, overcrowded pubs, soap operas and television "debate" programmes.

No Banal Adjective Lists were used in the manufacture of this profile. May contain traces of Banal Adjective Lists.

Definitely not go to a restaurant.