The type of woman I like:

1. You disagree with the moral, political, economic, sexual, or criminal norms of your community. You live a lifestyle that openly subverts at least two of these norms.

2. You follow culture, not sports. If you appreciate enduring music, movies, and writing, if you discuss politics, history, and theology, we'll have lots to talk about. I don't follow sports at all, though I do admire many kinds of performers.

3. You enjoy taking drugs for amusement, without guilt or remorse. On this point my screening process will be rigorous. Second-round candidates must report for optional blood testing. I reserve the right to conduct polygraphed, psychological evaluations of applicants at my discretion. Voluntary criminal record search required; unbondable candidates given preference.

4. You are an omnivore. I eat all the animals and most of the popular plants. It would be best if you were morally ambivalent to industrial slaughter and corporate cultivation practices.

5. You have entrepreneurial ambitions; smugglers preferred. Ethical women considered, providing they do not directly profit from exploited labor, abroad or at home. That makes me a nihilist, it seems. I believe legal servitude should not be the cost of the Western Dream.

6. You are in a reasonable age range: between 7 years older or younger than me. I am 40 but in near-mint condition, despite a lifetime of living outside my Mylar bag. I'm unfairly blessed with good health and a good set of features. You don't need to match my unnatural constitution, but it would be best if you had all your teeth. Complete sets of false teeth may also be acceptable, providing they are fashioned from gold, porcelain, or composite resin.



The type of woman I don't like:

1. You are entertained by popular radio, tabloids, fashion magazines, or TV programs starring target-market caricatures.

2. You believe your ability to pay for expensive sports-leisure activities illustrates you are a better type of person.

3. You love motorized vehicles or find them sexy. Relying on cars is one thing, passion for them is another.

4. You travel to Central American tourist destinations because drinks are cheaper in the 2nd world.

5. You compete in league sports because you enjoy the company of team-minded athletes.

6. You posted Shopping as an Interest because you believe buying things is a hobby.



Important: If you are any shade of legally married, do not contact me.

First dates on this service are best kept brief, regardless of the outcome.

Double-blind dates rank coffee and nothing more.

A snack might be warranted as well, but nothing more.

Chinese food might be good too, if we took a long walk afterward, because we'd probably be hungry again by then.

But I wouldn't do anything more than linger over fortune cookies with you, even if you are charming and sexy.