Why, hello there. I grew up on both coasts because I was a boarding school kid, and my parents lived on the West coast. Fast-forward to now: I was living in the Bay Area but I've moved to NYC, mostly for the ruthlessly efficient Chinese food delivery, and also because it's fairly amenable to the process of putting a long/short equity hedge fund together.

Politically, I'm a libertarian, and as such, I'm very open-minded when it comes to how people live their lives and seek out what makes them happy, so long as they don't hurt anyone. So, with that statement out of the way: dear Furry dating community of NYC, I don't judge you. And I want my panda suit back only after I know you've steam-cleaned it. I have a living to make.

Lately I've been listening a lot to Hood Internet remixes, Heatmiser, and Cat Stevens. Other than that, I do nothing for fun at all. Yeah, you heard me right. I have NO hobbies. I don't even eat, so forget about going to a restaurant with me. Most of the day I just stare at the wall and space out. When I'm not doing that, I'm asleep. If I can find a girl who can do absolutely nothing at all with me, I will hear marriage bells a-ringin'. All I ask on top of that (and is this too much to ask?) is that you don't bore me to tears. If this sounds like you, baby, you know what to do next.

No, really, what I'm looking for: I’m seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings. I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion - but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party. If we’re lucky -- both!

Finally, some trivia about me (and yes, all of the following are 100% true. I pinky swear): I was in the film "10 Things I Hate About You" as the stand-in for Joey Gordon-Levitt; I once played a cowboy in a whorehouse for the film "Highway" next to Jared Leto; I speak Mandarin nearly fluently; I am related to a famous German composer; I am also related to Barry Goldwater; my favorite color is green; I am obsessed with cute animals, especially puffer fish; coffee tends to make me ill and jittery to the point of collapse but I like to drink it anyway; someday I might like to live in Monaco; I love the sea and anything nautically themed; I am learning how to put a computer together from scratch; the smell of nail polish makes me gag; my favorite food is probably calamari; I've been to countless Bjork concerts; I have a thing for secret bars and good spirits.

What do you think of trying one of those Russian space modules? What about eating sushi off one of those naked chicks? How would you feel about trying to rob a street vendor? You know, as they say here: whatever lets you get to know someone better. Realistically that could mean a lot of different things, couldn't it? If the aforementioned activities are not your speed, maybe we could try thumb wrestling. I have long thumbs, and after 29 years of experience, I'd like to think that I know how to use them. If you don't have thumbs, we can probably still work something out. Everything's negotiable, after all.