First off, I'm not trying to insult anyone but when you think about it, how many times have you read, "I love the outdoors, summer days, spending time by the lake etc."? Haha..seriously?? Does that even need to be stated? Are there actually people out there that hate trees, fresh air and sunshine? Has our community suddenly become overrun with botanically sensitive, hyper-allergic albinos?

Secondly, in the "I am looking for" section, it came down to "long term" and "dating," but I feel like it has to start with a date. It's like asking somebody who just entered a restaurant if they're there for "a table" or "to eat."

A few things about me:

I have a great rapport with border guards.
Favorite book: The Monster at the End of this Book. The ending gets me every time.
I’m Captain of my Duck-Duck-Goose team (we made the playoffs this year!!!)
I have no felony priors, outstanding warrants, DUIs or restraining orders.
I don't own a knife or sword collection.
I don't play videogames. (okay maybe a little Rock Band from time to time and only if I get to play guitar and have it on the “easy” setting)
I have no 'outpatient conditions'.
I don't wear gold chains, pinkie rings, or big watches with shiny metal bands.
I firmly believe that a man should NEVER dance to the song “Single Ladies”
I listen to everything (You name it, I listen to it) and I like almost anything performed live…..Except maybe drum circles.
Kids and animals often like me. And I love kids and animals.
I'll never ask you for a personal loan.
I can kiss pretty well, no slobber, no vacuuming off your make-up.
I can cook a meal on my own without reading instructions.
I don't need to watch ALL of TBS Channel's, "24 Hour Seinfeld Marathon". Just most of it.
I would not insist on watching a football game instead of conversing with you about why your cat is treating you so badly.
As long as it’s not the playoffs.
I once went a whole year without eating foie gras.
If I had a choice between wrestling a grizzly bear and winning the lottery, I would choose winning the lottery.
I once walked through a glass door. Windex is the devil.
I hate long profiles and I think people who write them are dorks. Super hot sexy dorks.

About You:

You are not averse to self-deprecating humor. You are self-sufficient. You have good communication skills. You have a knack of reading men accurately. You have ideals, opinions, passions, appetites, and hobbies. You can also drive a getaway car if required.

***Please note*** I’m not into messaging back & forth for weeks with no intention of eventually meeting. You can only judge someone’s character when you've had the opportunity to look in their eyes.

One final thought: Have you ever noticed that a duck’s opinion of you is based entirely on whether or not you have bread?

Ah yes, the interview date......I'll bring my resume and you can make little notes while I ramble endlessly about myself. Then the Starbucks Barista will yell "SWITCH" really loud, and then of course it's my turn to grill you. OK, forget that idea.

First off it would have to be in a public place, obviously, because for all I know you could be a Vietnamese organ thief. First dates should be kept simple, like a snowball fight or stealing a police car, but I have a strict rule which mandates that first dates should NEVER go any further than an erotic massage.

Second date (assuming there is one): Wheels, map, and tank of gas (or two). Sunglasses, poor singing-voices, and wind between toes out window optional.