(Funding for this profile description has been made possible by a generous grant from Alcoa. Try Alcoa for the aluminum ingot you need!)

I write for a living--everything from television and stage shows to books and blogs--but (naturally) I hate writing these kinds of profiles about myself. To paraphrase Melvin Udall: "Hate. I'm using the word 'hate' here about profiles. Hate." But, whatareyougonnado in this dating site-infused world?

I like the word "peculate," I can sing all of Tom Lehrer's "The Elements," and I have been cutting and chewing my own food since the age of 28. If this is enough to tickle/strike/whet your curiosity, drop me a line.

Until then--we take you back to the Meridian Room with Ramon Raquello and His Orchestra! (cue music)

The "Plenty of Fish" people assure me that the longer my description, the more likely it is that I will get responses. Clearly, they have not been on a first date with me so I will pass, but I appreciate their concern.