I had a pretty tough childhood. I grew up on an estate in Alberta, Canada. I was always a kid of poor health. I was ALWAYS sick. It would have helped if my mother was there for me, but she never was. I loved my dad though and was very close with him. Everything changed the day he was shot. One of my dad’s employees was fired and decided he was going to come back for revenge. My dad tried to stop him but he was shot and died instantly. It all happened right in front of me. I became so enraged that my mutant powers manifested for the first time. Claws extended from the back of my hands and I attacked the intruders with uncharacteristic ferocity. I would never be the same.

Thank god I met Professor Xavier. He saved my life. My memory has been pretty fuzzy since my childhood. All I know is I’m the ultimate weapon thanks to my skeleton being bonded with adamantium. If you have issues with razor sharp claws extracting from my hands in the middle of the night when I have nightmares, you best move on to the next profile.

I’m just kidding. I don’t really have nightmares.

I’ve been spending time trying to answer the question, “what do women really want?” It’s a question guys rarely spend time trying to answer. Guys will say anything to get your approval. I’ve talked to hundreds of women and read book after book on the subject and it really comes down to one simple thing: muscles. You chicks want muscles. Muscles on top of muscles. What happens every time Fight Club comes on? Brad Pitt takes his shirt off and shows his CGI’d abs. “OOOooooohh I want THAT.” Oh do you Angelina? I’ll quit my job, hire a live-in trainer and strap a protein feed bag to my face for 6 months.

Having discovered this new information, I now realize that women at the gym are simply intimidated by men benching 750lbs. They are so impressed by a man sweating all over a treadmill that they don’t know what to do with themselves. But I have some advice, ladies: You know that guy in the back corner on the squat rack? The one with the spaghetti-strap tank top with the neck plunging down to his belly button? Those grunts he does between reps are his mating call. So when you hear that: GREENLIGHT. Make your move. See? You’re welcome. I’m here to help.

Why are there so many profiles with pictures of women skydiving? Cause that's what I'm looking for in a woman.. The ability to FALL.

I also see a lot of profiles of girls claiming to be a "princess". Please provide the name and documentation of the Prince you were married to in order to obtain this title or the name of the Province you inherited. If then and only then will you deserve the right to be "treated like one."

If you are vegan, then I will eat fried chicken in front of you. All day.

HEY. Me - allergic to cats and most dogs. Dear cat owners: No amount of vacuuming will get rid of the 5 cat allergens that coat your apartment. Want to make it allergy free? Mail your cat to China and burn your apartment down.

Every email seems to be the same. "OMG how big is it? How big is it? HOW BIG IS IT???!!??" Seriously, women and their obsession with penis size. I think some things shouldn't be shared on the internet. That would be highly inappropriate. I'm not saying it's big. But it was given Japan's highest award, the Order of the Rising Sun, Grand Cordon, for being the only thing to chase Godzilla out of Tokyo.

This girl sent me a message saying “i just saw another guy's profile who did something similar to yours, only for batman. so you are now no longer original.LOLZ.” Well there is one difference though: One guy is a superhero and the other guy thinks he’s ****ing Batman.

How about this: You, me and a telephone. We prank call EVERYONE. Nothing too fancy, just stick to the classics (Is your refrigerator running? ARe you a clown? You're stupid! etc) Then we give each other indian rug-burns and snap each other with rubber bands. Did I mention we’re at a restaurant? I didn’t.

Awesome first date #2: We take a long, romantic drive to the desert. This will give us plenty of time to talk and really get to know one another. This is great because it’s completely free of distractions. Especially since my van doesn’t have any windows.

So as you can see I’m extremely boring and you should definitely find a guy who writes stuff like this: “I like to dress up and go out to a fine restaurant that is quite. I would take the lady there so I could talk to her and have a nice bottle of wine or champgne and dinner all the time admiring her and answering any questions she asks.” Yes that’s real. I found it.