My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

When in doubt, mumble.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

In about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!


Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.


Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.


Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

AND NEVER NEVER EVER Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.