This is where I must tell you how awesome I am, yet appear debonair. Alright...

First let me tell you that I'm as smooth as a gravel road. I'm like Superman without kryptonite. You can usually find me dancing embarrassingly poorly, however I've been told the 80s called and they want their dance moves back.

Oh, did I mention I like long walks on the beach, poetry, romantic movies and poking dead things with sticks. (Just checking to see if you are actually reading, or just clicking on pretty pictures)

There are certainly a myriad of things that set me apart from the common man, so if you want to know just ask. However, I do have a few stipulations (don't we all!):

1. If you don't look like your pictures any longer, please post something recent. I don't care if you've gained a few pounds, you're missing a limb, or are a recent burn victim. I'm not that picky! But if the person I meet up with is not the person in the picture, it's done! I don't tolerate dishonesty. If something is different, just let me know.

2. Please don't message me if you have LARGE hands, back-hair, or a beard. Nothing is more humiliating than meeting a lady with more testosterone than me. *cough* I HAVE A GLAND PROBLEM! There, I said it.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts absolutely. So study hard, be evil :)

P.S. I'm deathly afraid of turtles!
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Failblog stardate:

[Entry #1] Profile created.

[Entry #2] I think I just got an invitation to the biggest sausage party out there. There also seems to be some sort of bacteria that has eaten all of the guy's shirts in the pictures on this site. I'm afraid, oh so afraid.

[Entry #3] Received an email from a Nigerian princess that has requested the privilege to request MY assistance to transfer the sum of $47,500,000.00 (forty seven million, five hundred thousand United States dollars) into my account.

[Entry #4] lol, (I can't believe I just LOL'd online) this is awesome. I click on your profile and 2 seconds later you click on mine. It's like spy versus spy or something except we just stare at each other's profiles and then click on more shiny pictures. It's like channel surfing for random strangers.

[Entry #5] What does BBW stand for?

[Entry #6] I've discovered a new language. Everyone telks like dis! i live life lik its goin outta stylez. oooo i loooooo veee NEmals and mah fam lotz! nemore q's jusss assk.

[Entry #7] So many acronyms, so little time! Apparently "NSA" does not mean you play for the "National Scrabble Association", nor is it to do with sewing. No scrabble for me :(

[Entry #8] So many "gold stars" beside profiles. What do I have to do to earn my gold sticker?! Now I'm having flashbacks of Kindergarten where I'd get a sticker if I could tie my shoes on time. Good thing for Velcro. I the 80s.

[Entry #9] Two questions. How do you have a "N/A" car unless that's supposed to mean North American, which means you have a car but it probably doesn't run. 2nd question, how do you "Prefer not to say" if you have children!? Your children can't be that funny looking that you won't admit to being their parent.

[Entry #10] How does one "cyber" and do I really want to "cyber"? I'm not too sure if I'm that into robots...

[Entry #11] Not only can I add myself to my favorites (NATURALLY), but I can send myself erotic messages via POF. I'm not sure if this is trying to tell me something but I like it! "Oh, HAI! I see you aren't wearing any socks, LOLZ!"

[Entry #12] I think everyone should watch Deuce Bigalow it'll give you better insight.

[Entry #13] What does "Hang Out" mean when it's only with "dudes"? Why aren't ladies interesting enough to "Hang Out" with too? I need to learn what exactly this "Hang Out" really means.

[Entry #14] Know what game I just love? Playing the "guess which person I am in all these group shots". The best part is when I guess the wrong girl and they get all offended. What, what!? Apparently, I'm not actually supposed to guess weight either.

[Entry #15] I now understand FULLY what "hang out" really means...spandex+"hang out" = eye bleach and the worst part is it wasn't even a chick that enlightened me...*cough* so how about them Mets!?

[Entry #16] I thought I misread a profile that said "Just Widow Shopping", nope. (I swear I have a higher reading level comprehension than grade 1!)

[Entry #17] Apparently "Jesus Loves Me!", thanks for the notice! ...and why hasn't he added me to his "favorites" list!

[Entry #18] Woah, I want a fancy background profile. Preferably one with unicorns, ponies and an animated flashing background. How do I get to such a status like some of these other people!? I think I need more pictures of me in a bikini...

[Entry #19] How do I politely--yet tactfully ask a "girl" for a gender test, something along the lines that the Olympics does? I get the feeling that this isn't going to end well...

[Entry #20] I've been offered a complimentary prostate exam by a nurse on here. Some people are just too thoughtful, however did she read my mind! It's like we connected on a deeper level, oh no...never mind.

[Entry #21] Haha! Just a tip to get better responses. You probably shouldn't have your recent wedding pictures posted on this site and pose as single. Also when you have a shot with your hand near your face with a "blinged" out wedding ring, not so good! But I do appreciate the "honesty", *cough* :)

[Entry #22] I love it! 7 pictures and all of them with an alcoholic drink. Not too sure what that is trying to insinuate but they are half right. The quickest way to a Man's heart is his stomach, just be sure to not show the contents of your stomach on his feet.

[Entry #23] Okay, that's it! The next "lady" to show up in a jacked up F-150 with quads or motorbikes in the back is going to get me dressed in drag. It works both ways, dear gawd! I generally prefer to not have to sword fight my "date" at the end of the night.

[Entry #24] Please, try and smile. I asked one lady why so gloomy? She said it was like "grumpy bear donkey punched her in the face". I still do not know what that means.

[Entry #25] Mental note: There's a BIG difference between BMW-Girl and BBW-Girl. I think I understand...almost?

[Entry #26] What is the difference between a "message" and a "quick message". I'm sorry if I only sent you "quick" ones. It happens! :|

[Entry #27] Best pickup line ever: "I'm 4 months pregnant and looking for a Father, is it you?"

[Entry #28] I just realized I can click on over 60 pictures a minute. If that isn't a life skill--I don't know what is!

Please, pretty please no more requests to attend Church as a date. I promise I won't ask you to go the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or better yet the Church of Scienotology. So can we just call it even? Eureka, I have realized something. I probably won't be the best fit if you take religion that seriously.

I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering, "Do I have food on my face? Am I eating too fast? Am I talking too much? Should I put on a fake laugh? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really interested. Should I play like I'm interested? But I'm not that interested, but I think she might be interested. But do I want to be interested. But now she's not interested."

So now, all of sudden I'm...I'm starting to get interested. And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door? 'Cause then it's awkward, it's like "Well, good night."

Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where you like... you hug each other like this, and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close. Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em on the lips or don't kiss 'em at all. It's very difficult trying to read the situation and all the while you're just really wondering, "Are we going to get absolutely smashed enough to make some really bad decisions?" "Ouch, ouch, why are you pulling my hair? ... not this again!"

No really...how about pool, coffee, or tea and crumpets? How about we just both agree to say "it sounded like a really good idea at the time!"