Secret comedic genius and repressed novelist disguised as mild-mannered contract negotiator by day. Kind of like Clark Kent, but with better fashion sense and less propensity to wear leotards. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

In addition to leotards, I find avoiding the following to be life-enhancing as well as safety-minded:

1 - Underground Elfin Societies
2 - Anything Soy-milk based (I challenge anyone out there to find a point of lactation on a soybean)
3 - Steven Segal movies (the man runs like he has bananas for legs)
4 - Haggis
5 - Empire Ranch Golf Range after two martini's (you all will thank me - my slice has killed before)
6 - Plastic surgery (Mickey Rourke, anyone?)
7 - Reading Sartre after one too many Americanos

Other than that, I am a pretty straightforward, plain-speaking woman with a good heart. (And no, I don't mean the heart that I stole from my last paramour and is currently residing in my freezer. The police confiscated that last week. Damn.)

Isn't this the portion of the program where I demonstrate my innate ability to run an amazing life that includes interests that in real life I have never even considered participating in...like Mountain Biking through the Himalayas or studying Sanskrit?

I think I am also supposed to mention that I have a true fascination for dirt bikes, wine tasting, or at the very least, dirt tasting.

My friends also let me know I should reference a non-exisiting culinary degree from Le Cordon Bleu. But I suspect the first time I feed anyone fishsticks, they may catch on.

Hmmm...how about - I never mountain bike, the thought of going to the Himalayas gives me altitude sickness, and while I Iove wine, the thought of dirt tasting leaves something to desired....yep. I think that'll work.

Raid my freezer for backups? Round table discussion at 3pm.