Having been married 15 times before, I now have all the experience I need to keep a good woman! Unfortunately, my ex-wives did get all my belongings, but for some mysterious reason they let me keep the house. I have posted a picture of my current love-shack for you to examine(you should see the hot tub!). I can't wait to hear from all you ladies soon as I often feel so lonely in my love-shack. BTW, I know you're curious. My house gets 4 mpg in town and 8 on the highway.

Something that involves mad, passionate kissing, paprika, galoshes and a ferris wheel! Please be fit, fun cute and ready to slow-dance with me in aisle five of the nearest Wal-Mart--with everybody staring!!! Oh wait! I'm supposed to describe the FIRST date. I was thinking about the SECOND date. Oops! Ok. First date: 1. Three gallons of merlot(each) and one enormous salad. 2. Stimulating talk about ALL my ex-wives. 3. Tell me how pretty my eyes are. 4. Thumbwrestle(I always cheat to win!). 5. Allow me to hypnotize you: "You are under my spell. You are falling madly in love with the man who has the pretty eyes." 6. Let me read your palm: "Your Love-Line shows that you strongly desire to be kissed, kissed often and by a man who knows how! Your Mount-of-Venus indicates that you have desires you cannot contain!" 7. Play the "First Date Awkward Silence" game with me. I.e., kiss me every time we have an awkward silence(two kiss minimum for every awkward silence). 8. Help me plan my next bank robbery(I'm Clyde; you're Bonnie!). 9. Begin negotiating our eventual divorce settlement(one can never start planning ahead too early!). My opening offer: You get half my multi-million dollar lotto winnings that I will win early next year(I read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Therefore, my winning is a sure thing!), my complete collection of Lillith Payne's erotic romance novels and my precious collection of Count Chocula cereal box tops. But I keep the house, half the lotto and all the pics of my ex-wives. Fair enough? We can continue our negotiations later when we are between hot kisses at the top of the ferris wheel(I'm such a hopeless romantic!). Easy, courteous exit strategy in case you want to make a run for your getaway car! I will even open the restaurant door for you as you make a mad dash for your car. My dear mom raised a gentleman.

Oh, speaking of erotic romance novels, I'm writing one of my own right now. I'm still deciding what title to use. I have come up with six working titles so far. Help me choose which one is the best: 1. The Indian Viceroy's Hot Personal Trainer. 2. The Nordic Millionaire's Insatiable Massage Therapist 3. The Frankish Duke's Supine Housekeeper. 4. The Mesopotamian Billionaire's Tasty Nurse. 5. The Mediterranean Desperado's Irrepressible Mistress. 6. The Greenville Zillionaire's Bodacious Baby Mama(this one is the frontrunner for me so far). All are so good I can't figure out which is the best. You can tell me your favorite when we are slow-dancing in Wal-Mart!

Obviously, with all I have to offer, I won't be on the market very long. Respond now for a coveted chance to be my future ex-wife #16(sweet 16!). But remember, you don't get the house!

Addendum: If you want to skip the first date, we'll just elope.