Dearest reader,

Due to constraints placed upon me by the site, I have literally RAN OUT of space with which to write things. Meaning, the "stupid answers to stupid questions" section you all love & hate me for is gone. Completely. Sorry, folks.

First, I should say that I really don't hate kittens. I simply had no idea what I should put as a username. Most men usually put "Looking", or "Wanting more" or something stupid like that... as if to say, "Hi. I'm a deep individual. So deep, in fact, that I'm going to tell you in my username". Or worse, they put some retarded name like "FitnessBuff", which is equally moronic, because it makes them look like that meat-headed juice-monkey that used to smack your sister around. Or, they insult you, the female, by assuming you will appreciate guys who put zero effort into their online profile, so they name themselves "Meh" or "Whatever"... because appearing "aloof" or "mysterious" (you know, the cool-guy adjectives) despite attempting to date online, is apparently NOT a non-sequitor anymore. Viva la 2009.

Since I had no idea exactly what username would stand out, but NOT make me look like a complete tool as well, I went with the "bad press is still press" scheme, and said I hate kittens. So there you have it. It's edgy marketing, not daddy issues (that will come later).

My friends think I am far too smart for my own good. In reality, I am a complete idiot who drives poorly and mis-uses "their" a lot. I am the guitarist, lead-shrieker and frontman to a Portland-based prog-metal band, and a counterculture Gonzo-journalist. I am also the author af a really awesome book you never read. On sale wherever drugs are sold. It fits, if you think hard about it.

I have written for several places that accept unsolicited materials. Generally, they don't call me back. That said, a number of websites that cater to the slightly-off crowds... and by that, I mean emo kids, goth-stompers, indies, punks, alt-strippers and this homeless chick named "Coco"... have taken me in, fed me, clothed me, bathed me when it gets too offensive, and let me extrapolate with all manner of impromptu bulls**t and swear words.

I've no doubt Jesus loves me. Please refrain from reminding me. That's my only rule.

I can access this site from my phone. If you message me, I'll probably get back to you within 5 minutes to an hour, unless I'm in-studio or Sleeping.

For first dates... who gives a shit? We'll make anything fun, right?