I need my partner. A girl who knows that word must be uttered only under her own well-informed volition and understands that it means forever. I do not need her to be a genius but she must have faith in her own answers and be able to gracefully assert herself without being mean.

I am so wholly and completely wrapped up in sharing every tiny experience with my partner that I am simply oblivious to gossip and drama. I will not care about what is happening on TV or with your girlfriend's dog. I only want to know in which direction you wish to walk (because I will have been fidgeting all day waiting to ask you about some d*mned thing or another that randomly popped into my mind). I like to go for very long, slow jogs, walks and bike rides. I'll help you be comfy and you'll feel free enough to tell me all the crazy-crazy in your head that you know polite society would lock you away for indulging. We can just walk and talk, and with every step I'll fall more in love with you.

I often listen to music while doing nothing else. I sit in the dark and explore all of the thoughts the music elicits. It is more of a ride than a drive: I can only nudge it in a direction rather than aim it at a particular thought. That music can only be whatever it is to be, and so many times, it has been my greatest solace. When I think of a song, I remember the love it showed me in the dark, and I am simply unable to convey with words how the song is the girl I love.

Obligatory list of random facts about me:

I read a lot of nonfiction books. I average one about every three weeks.

I am brutally honest. Think very carefully before asking what I think of your family.

I will never, ever cheat on my partner. Just get it out of your head now.

I am very mellow. No screaming fights; no anger at random chance.

I can be very compelling and tactfully dominant. I suspect this is why folks mistake simple my observations for immediate instructions.

I may be relied upon to do and say all sorts of tough, manly things. True as that is, please do not make fun of me for shooing bugs away instead of squashing them.

I make all sort of unsolicited, random comments (many of you know this already). I'll ask about a photo, offer some encouragement/support, make some snarky quip, point out an especially funny typo, or just say, "hi." That's just how I am. I know this is a dating site but sometimes a silly question is just a silly question and not a marriage proposal. We are here to be social, right?

I am madly skilled at finding the perfect birthday present. Really, it's not even right. My friends sometimes cry when I give them their presents.

I find eating to be an interruption. Left to my own devices, I'll eat the same thing every day. BONUS: Just two years ago, I ate my first tomato slice. My friend asked me if I was ok and needed to talk about it :)

If I schedule a specific appointment, I am always on time. Otherwise, all of my times are very "ish." CAVEAT: all bets are off if there is a hardware store involved.

I'll be working at the computer and run out of water. I get to wondering why the water fairy has not refilled the cup. Ten minutes go by, I go for the cup again and there is still no water. Now I'm getting annoyed. What the f*ck does she have to do with her day? I keep working, and I keep forgetting. It will be hours later before I am pissed off enough to fill the d*mned cup. BONUS: I am genuinely shocked every time there is no water in the cup. POINT: please get me some water.

I am more creative than most. While this beats the alternative, it also means you will have endure my perpetual solution engineering. Buy a thing?! No! Build a thing. But wasn't the thing fairly common and inexpensive? Yes, but there were no tools involved.

I have an awesome eye for art and decorating. Cool as your place may be, mine is cooler.

I love to drive far and go on road trips but I hate to plan ahead. If you fancy a trip, you will have to secretly plan it and herd me toward going. Then I'll be all like, "my chick is so cool she does spontaneous stuff with me whenever I want." Even after telling you this, it will still totally work (please see the above bit about my being "wholly and completely wrapped up" or the water thing which, incidentally, happened again just now.)

I love to vacuum stuff. I bought a cleaner that doesn't get jammed up by my shedding hair AND you can see the dust collect in the little bin. It's very exciting.

I am over having long hair. I was literally minutes away from donating it for the last time until my friend reminded me that once cut short, I would have to keep getting it cut short. That is way too much responsibility for me. I really dig the "cut every 12-18 months" plan. BONUS: my mommy cuts it. NOT SO FAST: she was a barber.

I jog year-round so I wear a beard in the Wintertime. It really works, promise! If you could grow one you would. Some women have taken time from their days to message me some hatred of the beard. Is it really that bad? You can't deal with it just for the Winter? In St. Louis, that's like 12 weeks. Really?

I have extensive knowledge of non-pop music. I can always deftly crack out just the right piece at just the right time.

I will not begin a romantic relationship with someone who has children anywhere on Earth. Living on other planets and moons are ok by me, living with you or other family members is not. I do not hate children. However, I do not want to be a parent. Ever. I have friends who have children and I am not opposed to doing friendly type things with you if you have kids. I suppose it is possible to have a meaningful relationship with someone who has the sort of schedule someone with kids has, but I just can't see being true partners. To me, partners means everyday, forever. I don't mean to be harsh, only forthright. I don't want you to think that just because we've hung out I will eventually melt and accept kids as a permanent part of my life. I won't.

The same thing I would do for you if you had a bad day at work: berate you while I poke you with a sharp stick. Wait. No, that's only for bad work days. Quickly drain a brown glass bottle of American piss-water and crack it over your head as I tell you get the Hell out of the trailer you paid for? No, wait, that's a redneck first date. Hmmm... oh, right, right... the walking and talking.