Let's address a few things right out of the box. Everyone on here describes themselves as: Honest, down to earth, and funloving. Really? I guess it was all "his" fault then. Not me. I'm a handful... a pain in the ass generally. My friends would describe me as needing to be institutionalised. One of my friends sends me Xmas cards in June. Just in case I don't make it to December. His wife is plotting to kill him though. I like her. I'm planning to hit on her at his funeral.

Drama is a high school class for artsy kids. Or a movie category. Nothing else.

I have an affinity for fast cars, provacative shapes, whiskey, money, and when you combine all of them... Did you know that the "H" in Jesus H Christ stands for Hambone? It's a fact. Saw in on the History Channel.

So, let's take these one at a time. Honest. Well I always try to be honest, but sometimes you have to explain things to the local authorities in such a way that you present yourself in a favorable light. You are of course hanging upside down by your shirtsleeve (you meant to wear a seatbelt, but that was in hindsight) and witnesses swear you were doing more than 120 when you left the road. Backwards. With the accellerator flat to the floor. Do you know what the fastest car ever made is? A rental car. You can do things with a rental that you would NEVER do with any other car. Like park it without even looking. Or throw it in reverse at 90 MPH just to watch the interior fill with smoke. And the trunk can be used as an ice chest. Or for transporting whatever you just kidnapped. And if something happens to it, you can just leave it there.

Down to Earth. What does that even mean? I try my damnedest to avoid women that cry a lot. Or look like they get pregnant easy. Or have a career. Or write poetry. Or cry while writing poetry about their career during the act that could get them pregnant.

A chainsaw is a great gift for a 3rd grader.

Fun loving. Is your idea of fun pictionary with a glass of chardonnay? Press the "back" button & move along. Do you know how to tell if something's going to be fun? Tell your mother of your plans. If she starts to weep openly, you are headed in the right direction. Other indicators are that, upon hearing of your idea, your signifigant other gets out their suitcase and solemnly starts packing without saying a word. Or someone starts dialing 911 before you're even done talking.

A Funsucker is a self explanatory phrase. If you are one, stop, go back & find Chaz who wants you to watch football with him @ his mom's (where he lives) and help him kill a bag of Funyuns. Listen, nothing requires less information, education, or accomplishment than saying everything is wrong or too dangerous. I have to tell you about the time we were transporting a load of goats illegally across the mexican border in a stolen truck that was on fire at the time. But we'll save that for later.

Sometimes I like to enjoy a fun Saturday afternoon. On a Tuesday.

I love cars. Maybe too much. But there was no such thing as premarital sex before the invention of the back seat & a LOT of us owe our very existence to that footnote in history. My birthdate, my parents wedding date, and the date of my father's first car purchase are embarrassingly close together.

If you can dial a rotary phone with your toes or you have to trim your toenails with bolt cutters, never wear sandals.

Do you know the excitement of being half in the backseat of a speeding convertible with the gas pedal jammed open by all of your discarded clothing at night with the headlights off in the town where your father is Mayor? This is why Tequila should be taxed to the point that only dignitaries can afford it.

But the focus of my car fetish lies largely with vintage sportscars. So it would be great if you own a tow truck. And don't mind following me around in it... waiting. Also, if you are related to a judge, are a judge, know a judge (not in the same way I know a couple of judges) or are a very omnipotent attorney. Or better yet, have connections that can get me intergalactic immunity, please get in touch with me at once.

What is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics?

Although I do have an appreciation for large automobiles. When you drive one of these and something bad happens, it is WAY OUT THERE. Like civil unrest in a foreign country. So far away that it doesn't really affect you. When something goes awry in a little car, it happens right in your face & it's hard to ignore. But I'm getting good at my ambivalence during such times.

I like Norway because their extradition laws are favorable to my lifestyle & so I have a 2nd home there.

I also find it interesting how tenaciously a small town patrol officer will chase you on a speeding motorcycle only to happily find you parked at a local tavern where he will join you for a drink. On duty of course. This is the perfect opportunity (after a few more drinks) to offer him to ride the bike in exhange for firing his police issue handgun. Invariably this results in a photo opportunity of the obviously drunk, unhelmeted officer riding at high rates of speed on the wrong side of the road in a school zone with his shirt unbuttoned. This sort of evidence is crucial to any defense.

Besides, moments like these are more fun than watching the ENTIRE Israeli airforce crash in to a fuel storage depot. Even if you have to do a little community service as a result.

I look for these signs whan picking up crazy girls: 8 or 9 earrings in one ear. Piercings in general. White lipstick. Black fingernail polish. Augmentation. Hair that's less than an inch long. Clothing made of chromed bumpers & fishnet. Unusual shoes. Hair that's more than 3 feet long. A $hitload of tattoos. There's no telling what these girls will do.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a 3itch.

Anyhow, if you are into clubbing baby seals, the Klan, or you get tipsy from communion, I don't think we should go on more than a couple of dates.

I do, however, think we should drill for oil in the Alaskan wilderness. I just think we should use the profits to buy Canada (how much can that hellhole be worth anyway?) exterminate all of it's residents and give it to the animals of Alaska.

If you are still reading this, you are not following the advice of your psychiatrist.

-Life moves pretty fast sometimes. If you don't stop & look around, you just might miss it. - Ferris Bueller

Rob a bake sale, steal a leopard, traumatise school children. Anything simple where we can really get to know one another.