As our capitalistic culture gets more materialistic, hedonistic, self centered and relationally shallow, the true capacity to “bond” with unconditional love is more and more rare. We are indulged and lonely. True love is rare, even in marriages.

Sorry to start on such a negative note, but it highlights what I’m looking for, and will strive to provide; someone with the awareness of, and the capacity for true bonding and love. How would you know? How would I know? ……..such a difficult and complex question. I don’t think I can answer that easily or comprehensively, but I give you some thoughts. First, what it is not. I don’t believe it’s attraction, “love at first sight” or infatuation. Perhaps this is a doorway to true love, but it is not true love. Some is necessary, but it is not sufficient. Second, it’s not common interest, common values, or having fun together. “I like to sit by the fire, drink a glass of wine, read a good book, and have a great discussion. Oh, you do too? I guess that solves it, let’s get married and live happily ever after.” Common interests and values help build friendships, but I’ve seen many marriages that started with some common interests, enjoyable moments, even clear and present passion, end in ugly fights or passive aggressive dissolution.

My developing belief about how to get to true love is by two paths. The first path is that you grew up in a home that was dominated by unconditional love. You were loved to the point of security. Anger and shame were either absent, or learned from and forgiven if they appeared. Your parents were not dominated by addictions or escapes like money, career, pride or status. You witnessed real love in their relationship, you experienced it, especially from the opposite sex parent, and so developed the capacity to give it, believe it exist, even sometimes naively assuming it’s always there in any love that develops, (what a sad awakening to experience). Those fairy tale homes are not common, but certainly exist. They can yield individuals with the true capacity to love.

The second path to love, when you don’t come from such a healthy, loving home, is to do your own healing, forgiving, relational wisdom building work. To some degree we are all brought up with dysfunction, therefore we all form defenses to protect ourselves. Our work is to become aware of our defenses (which are largely unconscious) and to learn to live in loving presence versus defensive reactivity and/or avoidance. Easy to say, almost impossible to do, given that defenses have a self-protective function, and work so efficiently to that end. No one feels comfortable being vulnerable; our defenses give us a relatively quick escape.

Of course I’m looking for someone where there is some mutual attraction, and of course we all want someone we enjoy being with, talking with, being close to. But I’m looking for someone who has the deep capacity to give and receive love, to the point of unconditional love. Someone who has that desire, and is aware of mutual shortcomings, but is open to continual growth, self-confrontation before other-confrontation, growing in love, setting aside our defensiveness.

Meeting for a cup of coffee is a great first date. It's a simple and effective way to begin to get to know each other, and assess whether there is a relationship worth pursuing.