OK, so here I am, fresh out of divorce court and wondering how I'm going to start a new job, sell my house, move and still have time to be a good mom. I figured this was the ideal time to add some other stressor to the mix, so dating seems to be the logical next step. My bff is on here, so what the heck... why not take a dip in the dating pond. I thought further about personal ads, how they are usually so generic and contain hardly a shred of real information. And then, I wondered... how would people react if someone posted a very honest profile?

So herewith you will find my "personal ad", the ad that most newly divorced women my age would be writing if they were completely honest. The purpose is not to get a man (for you guys who have given me advice to change my profile or I'll be alone forever), but more for entertainment. I hope you enjoy it and smile for a minute. If yes, drop me a note to let me know. Otherwise I'll think I'm the only one laughing!

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I’m newly divorced, and older than you want me to be. I have 4 kids, 2 of which are teenagers and still at home. I'm also seriously stressed out and go through some depression every 5-7 years. My neck and back are always achy, and I've been accused of having a touch of OCD. I’ve been married 4 times. Although I chose financially secure men to breed with, I'm flat-out broke myself, and have significant credit card debt along with my monthly bills. Plus, my business is failing due to this miserable economy. I have a lot of pets.

I take multiple medications every morning and night including hormones, vitamins, and sleeping pills, to which I’m addicted. If I don’t sleep, I’m more b i t c h y than normal. I don’t have a uterus, so I can’t get pregnant, but that means all my b i t c h y moods are blamed on PMS or menopause, which they tell me I’m starting to go through. This makes my vagina dry and unwelcoming… assuming I would ever want to have sex with you. Speaking of sex, I’ll only want that for the first year we are together. After that, you’ll have to be ok with once every 3-6 weeks and supplemental self-gratification.

Although I weigh a neat 125lbs, I’ve gained 10 lbs since last December, which equates to 1.43 lbs a month. At this rate, I’ll be a complete cow in another year. I have cellulite on the back of my legs, butt and hips. My boobs (although decent) are fake and I have a lovely scar from a tummy tuck many years ago. I wear glasses, could use about $3000 of dental work (no decay issues though... or gum disease... yuck), and I just had my first kidney stone, which had to be surgically removed.

I enjoy anything I do with my kids, my best friend or alone. I do like my best friends kids, and select other kids, but chances are that I won't like your kids and the thought of living with more than I already have makes me a bit nauseous. I like to dance, but only with my best friend. I'm not athletic, and am not interested in becoming athletic.

I won’t let you mow the lawn because I can do it better. My kids are sometimes obnoxious. I like a good passionate discussion, but some people call them arguments. I throw things when someone hurts me. I swear a lot.

I’ve had sex with enough men that the size of your penis, or your stamina, won’t impress me. I’m not into sex games and I won’t wear lingerie. I’m not bi-sexual, and I’m not interested in your fantasies.

On the up side, I'm funny, smart, attractive, fairly conservative, honest, and a good mom. I have good moral standards, and I'm a loyal friend. I drink socially and I don’t smoke.

Now go back and read that other girls profile and remember, she's got many of these same issues.... you just don't know about them yet!


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Disclaimer: Some of the above information may have been exaggerated for effect. Then again, it could all be true........
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NOW, if anyone's made it this far.... your reward is my real (boring) profile:


About me: I'm enjoying life as a single woman and have a blast hanging out with my girlfriends. I'd like to meet some guys to date, and just see what happens. No agenda here.

I think I'm a pretty fun person to know. Goals/Aspirations? My goal in life is to always aspire. Music - yes please, preferably loud. Most genres are fine (excluding "country") and my likes range from The Carpenters to Eminem. About all a country song is good for is the two-step, which I can't do anyway.... yet.

Things I look for in a man: Manners, humor, intelligence (hot nerds welcome here), strength of character, good taste, christian values... you get the idea. I believe you could probably find admirable qualities in every man, but I need a man who is more than a "good person". Along with being inherently a decent human being, the man I end up dating will have ambition and a level of success in his chosen field of work.

Oh, and I like guys who use the subject line "Karma" when they send me their first message...

Things I dislike in a man: Crude or vulgar behaviour at the wrong place/wrong time, prejudice, financial irresponsibility... the typical stuff that no woman really wants to be around. And please no pregnant bellies/beer guts (gross, but necessary to say on here, based on prior responses). Just keepin it real.

About kids.... Do I want more? Not of my own! But if you have a couple running around already, that's probably ok.

My favorite quote:

courage does not always roar.
sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"i will try again tomorrow"

First meeting ... Coffee, low-key so I can see if you lied about your age or photo, and to check out the initial chemistry! My rule: No talking about a 2nd meeting/date until later that day. I don't like the high pressure of a guy asking, "so when can I see you again?", when you're thinking NEVER.