The selection process has begun and you may become the successful applicant to hold the distinct pleasure of becoming my girlfriend. This position pays nothing at all but has numerous benefits which will be outlined below in chronological order.

The successful applicant must first hold the following qualifications:

- Must be in possession of or have a friend who has a puppy or cute baby I can borrow to bring to the park & pick up a new girl in case you get bored of me
- Must live within driving distance or have a cute female friend who lives within driving distance who I can borrow & bring to the park, again in case you get bored of me
- Must be willing to work towards advancement opportunities
- Must be able to make decisions independently without looking for the answers to all of life's questions in an Oprah magazine
- Must be able to work for this position for extensive hours and not complain about not getting paid for any of it
- Must be relatively funny, relatively clever, relatively sane, and relatively acceptable to the fact that I am none of these things
- Must have the confidence to reply to this ad even if she doesn't believe finding someone online is realistic

Benefits to this position are now outlined below in order of importance as promised:

- First benefit: Me
- Second benefit: A picture of me
- Third benefit: A signed portrait of me
- Fourth benefit: Me again
- Fifth benefit: A break from me (but only if you've put in the required number of hours with me on the job)

Please submit your interest to this position before the date of my wedding since after then it'll be too late, lol.