I'm a boredom fueled, low performance machine. I have the agility of a three-legged cat. I'm indoorsy and culinaryilly inept. I am starting to come to grips with the possibility that I may never realize my dream of swimming the English Channel whilst wearing an oversized, novelty, foam cowboy hat. This is in part due to the fact that I a) cannot swim and b) do not own an oversized, novelty, foam cowboy hat.

To me, there is nothing funnier on this Earth than people slipping on ice and a cursing three year old. Combine those two things and I might just rupture something internally from laughing.

I'm on pace to break the record for least attempts to break a world record of any kind.

I need a haircut, always.

I spend my days at work fantasizing about retirement and I spend my nights at home fantasizing about being Batman.

Also, sometimes, when necessary, I trim the hair around my nipples. Otherwise, it looks like a gaggle of giant daddy long leg spiders attacking pink flying saucers, preventing them from taking off from the surface of a strange, vanilla-pudding-like planet, and the men inside the pink flying saucers are all like, "Oh my god! Our pink flying saucer is being attacked by a gaggle of giant daddy long leg spiders, preventing us from taking off from this strange, vanilla-pudding-like planet. Help!"

I will admit that I probably spend a little too much time alone. Not only do I talk to myself, I've taken to disagreeing with myself on occasion just to have a contrary viewpoint in the house so as to spark some sort of stimulating discourse. Unfortunately, said "dialogues" are usually about the merits of one type of toothpaste over another, or some such similar balderdash.

If you are thinking about sending me a message - You shouldn't. You deserve better. Your mother wouldn't want you settling for "good enough". What about that guy you looked at earlier? You know the one - the guy with the neat cuticles who likes to jog with his Labradoodle. He seemed nice. Come on, he just bought a Kia Sorento with the bonus he got for being the leading salesperson this quarter. That's pretty impressive if you ask me.

Brunch on Mars.