Ahoy, sailor!

I enjoy refurbishing the derelict, so upholstered my last boyfriend in leopard print, then swapped him at an antique shop for a Deco chaise. It looks nice in track lighting with my sexually suggestive topiary.

I am looking for someone who can leave the toilet seat down and has a firm enough grasp of spatial physics not to pee all over it.

Some of you try too hard. Others don't try hard enough. To balance the odds, I Google Translate your introductory missives from Yiddish to Swahili and back, and if what results is fascinating, decide you are. Just let me. I don't have time for the hoops which replace deductive reasoning for many women.

I have a sense of humour. If you don't, you won't dig this. If your parents didn't, you'll probably report me. If the administrator's girlfriend suffers from chronic yeast infection, I'll be deleted. But I'll come back, and you'll still be a w@nker.

Things I Like…

1. Chinese grandfathers on five-speed bicycles.
2. The elderly in yellow Wellingtons.
3. Fat men walking toy poodles.
4. Neckties that match knee socks.
5. Children eating watermelon in their Sunday clothes.
7. Schoolboys engaged in mischief, despite immaculate uniforms.
8. Blimps and hovercraft, trolleys and trams.
9. Solo saxophonists wearing threadbare suits with dignity.
10. Crooked buildings that make me feel straight.

Things I Don’t Like…

1. Everything else and number six.

I enjoy movies I can't direct better in my head, and believe they should be watched in theatres, not on big-@ss TVs that could feed Lesotho while you're farting in sweatpants from Roots.

I have fun with words. I create characters more fascinating than what reality proffers. My life goal is to meet someone I've invented, who isn't squashed between the pages of projection and prehistory.

A HISTORY OF ME: I respect language so much I didn't speak until I could read Tolkien. I was six.

A HISTORY OF ME II: In fourth grade I didn't get the lead in the school play. They offered me the second most important role and I said screw you people. If I don't get the lead you don't get me. I then resolved to sing better than anyone else: ever. I did nothing with my adolescence but Broadway numbers and juvenile time.

If you've read this far, you're...

a) Tragically short on hobbies.
b) A sweaty pervert in an undershirt.
b) Effing-off on the company dime.
a) Benny to my Anni-Frid.

If I've blocked you that means you're an idiot. Your decisions from now on will be simpler. You can just quit trying, and accept that you'll always work in food service. It really is a useful tool. Think of the time you could waste believing in yourself. Yes, I WOULD like fries with that.

(Incidentally, I admire incentive. If your incentive is to be counter help, I admire you. If you're counter help because you have none, I don't. I'm only a bigot if you're a simpleton. Having said that, I like me a good-natured simpleton, whereas jerks of any description are tiresome).

Pee Ess. The next person to mention that I begin sentences with prepositions will be bludgeoned senseless with The Oxford English Dictionary. I will begin the bludgeoning with a preposition also.

I have been on six whole dates with the same person in different outfits, and not once have we spelled out cusswords in French fries and watched pigeons eat them. I'm filing a grievance with the stripper's union.

ALERT! If I have more balls than the man I'm not cooking for I ignite nearby combustibles. Empty the nitro outta yer cargo pockets before you come pick me up, just in case.

ALSO! Yes. Yes, you're absolutely right. This is just an act. I'm really all squishy 'n stuff, and you're gonna crack my hard candy coating/blah-blah, yawn. Yep. But first lemme tell you one thing, since I'm a jaded crustacean and you're a trite little twerp. If I can fake it better than you do real we've all got more problems than Gawd and Guy Lombardo can help us with. Pray for mercy. Drink tequila. Do whatever it takes.

I'm taking a break from Europeans until further notice.