Originally, I signed up so I could keep my friend out of trouble, and basically copy/pasted my favorite poem as a placeholder. And then a fair number of guys assumed I was a Russian mail order bride (wrong country, thanks), so I guess I'm going to put up an actual profile now?

1. If you're planning on luring me to your basement to murder me, I'm not interested.

2. I'm also not interested if you're old, creepy, or can't spell.

3. Or if you're delusional. Definitely click the back button if you're delusional. (Examples include: you're fifty-seven years old but you're "young at heart!"; you think a first date should involve a storm of flower petals, a walk on the beach, and a meeting with your parents, but you don't consider that super weird or anything; or if you're about to agree with me by saying, "Your wright, grammer is awsum and I'm totes good at it.")

4. That's four sentences, right? I'm done now, website?

Edit: 200 ignored messages later, I think I should probably make it easier for anyone reading this.

In addition to the aforementioned criteria, please do not send me a message if:

1. You have children.
2. You are divorced.
3. You weigh more than a truck (but still list yourself as "athletic").
4. You're posing with your "cool" motorcycle and your "awesome" tattoos.