Well, hi.

So, it suddenly occurred to me that, after almost two years here, I know a grand total of three girls--one of whom is the fiancee of a friend, and the other two are Mormons. I tried dating the Mormons--one at a time, I can assure you--but, and this may come as a real shock to you, they're an awfully religious people.

So I asked my Mom what to do. She doled out the good motherly stuff: "Graham," she said, "why don't you one of those computer email dating things?" I assumed that by "computer email dating thing" she meant Craigslist. And so I posted on Craigslist and, to be honest, I met some nice people! Motherly advice wins again. But I thought I would try to meet more. (This material is shamefully recycled.)

So here I am. And what am I?

People often tell me I look like Jim Carrey, although, bless her soul, a drunk girl once told me I looked like a "nerdy Christian Bale." I proposed on the spot, but, sadly, she was already married and also disturbingly drunk. I'm tall and burly and a bit hairy, at 6'1 and 185 pounds, but I'm still waiting for my old-man strength to kick in. (It is taking its sweet time.) Other girls have said I have a "hot body," but, wait a second, they were drunk too. Dammit--all good compliments cannot be trusted. I generally wear glasses and must appear lost to everyone because people always stop me and ask if I need directions.

I mentioned this earlier, but I just got my graduate degree--OH YES, with honors!--but I'm not sure I'm smart because I now have a small mountain of debt and a graduate degree in a field that I find, at best, disagreeable. Now, I'm trying to figure myself out and cross some more careers off of my list. (I am, I have discovered, quite complicated.) I am sure I will find out what I want to do around the time when I have to retire.

I have lots of dreams--big, inchoate, impossible things like writing The Great American Novel or winning Best Supporting Actor or beating Kobayashi in hot dog eating--but they still seem far away and I'm not quite sure how to get there. Yet. I'm a little shy at first--hang in there--and a nerd. I really like to make beautiful women laugh; I would debase myself in front of a crowd of strangers for the slightest giggle, a whisper of a chuckle, the hint of a guffaw from a lady.

I like all kinds of women! I have dated a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a Japanese girl, even though she said "I love you" on the first date and I chalked it up to the language barrier, and the aforementioned Mormons.

Recently, though, I have gravitated towards do-gooders--mainly, I think, because I don't do enough good and I would like to rectify that. Still, I do enjoy the ambitious and sarcastic executive type. This is like choosing between Betty and Veronica! Ah, Archie, only now do I understand your exquisite pain! How about I just say that I like a woman with intelligence and a touch of sass. Okay?

I have a surgically repaired heart, so I am under strict orders to exercise. (On the plus side, I can no longer be killed by conventional weapons.) Therefore, I tend to like a lady that is also in good shape. That doesn't mean anorexic, though, as I think there is a lovely and womanly middle ground.

Please don't be conservative or you will remind me of my father.

Lastly, I think I am something of a romantic. A well-concealed romantic, perhaps, but a romantic nonetheless. I want a love that is sudden and strong, that knocks you down--Concussive Love, grade two or one. Maybe not right now; my life is up in the air. But someday. So be open to that.

Wait, not literally though. Please don't hit me.

Whatever we do, I won't take you to Hooters. I won't make that mistake again.