My mother, a former roller derby queen who went by the name of Hot Momma Bopp, came up to me the other day. She said, "Hey Yo...how come you aren't dating a girl? How come you haven't settled down? What's the deal here?"

As I took a handkerchief out of my pocket and wiped the chewing tobacco spittle off her chin, I replied, "Oh, mom, it's just not that easy to meet a normal, nice, fun girl these days."

She looked at me (after cursing because she missed the spittoon by a mere inch and a half) and said, "What is it with people? I remember when men were men, and women were women."

I replied, "And gerbils were pets. Your point?"

"My point?" She said, picking up the tattoo needle from the floor and blowing it clean. "My point is, find a girl NOW!"

If you are a nice, normal, fun, single woman, and have always been a woman (graduates of the RuPaul School of On Line Dating need not reply), I certainly hope you'll take a moment to write back and say hello.

If, however, after reading this, you don't feel you're interested, that's okay...I understand.

But be warned...Hot Momma Bopp knows where you live.

Our first date should be in a small place with intimate lighting and soft music. How about an elevator?