Before you read any of this, I have never smoked a cigarette in my life. What you see in the photo is a prop that my friend bought for a party. Okay? The hat, however, is all mine, and no, you can't try it on.

First and Foremostly: My screen name has nothing to do with my "endowment" or "prowess," only a riff on the idea of being a "big cog in a small machine." That is, I'm part mover and part shaker. If you thought it meant something else, shame on you (but please email me anyway: I love women with prurient minds!)

Let's begin with the practicalities, shall we? Here are some traits that I would admire in a woman:

Local: Okay, I've heard true love transcends all boundaries, but dating someone which involves crossing three rivers, transferring between three trains, or flagging down 3 different buses is just not going to work for me. You should live a subway, bike ride or short walk away. Attempting to sustain a relationship which involves racking up frequent flier miles is just not a good way to go. Besides, shouldn't dating leave a small carbon footprint?

Truly Available: Online dating is a great way to pretend you're "out there," without going "out" or being "there. If you suffer from "Attention Deficit Dating," a common malaise from browsing too often on this website, well, stop right now and get back to your spreadsheets! Your boss would probably not like it if she saw you on this site.

Baggage Free: Let's face it, I'm much smarter than your ex-husband, much more interesting than your ex-lover, much more reliable than your ex-husband's lover, and much nicer than your ex-lover's husband. If you're still carrying anger or regrets around, then perhaps you should see a therapist. I have a really great therapist, and if you're interested, I'm sure she could use a few more clients. However, you can't have Thursday at 7 pm - that's "our" time.

Reliable: If I say I'm going to meet you at "Cheetah's Dugout" at 8 pm on a Wednesday evening, believe me, I'll be there (except if somebody decides to surgically remove my kidney while riding the IRT - that would slow me down a tad.) Online dating is humiliating enough without having to deal with people who can't get it together to make a phone call or show up for a drink.

BUT wait, there's more! If you are someone who is free of all (or most) of the above, then by all means, shoot me an email and I'll have my people get in touch with your people. I have a lot of good qualities: I'm educated beyond my intelligence, proud of my humility, and have been told that I have a face "made for radio." I can also swim 2 miles to save your life, cook up a tasty meal with whatever is in your pantry (assuming it isn't a rutabaga and Bloody Mary mix), and keep you entertained with a string of silly jokes, many of which involve dogs. Look, I'm not perfect (I have a small stain on my left front tooth and my hair is thinning faster than I can grow it back), but on the whole, I'm polite to excess and more fun than you can shake a stick at. Did I mention that I speak a couple of languages (some pretty well) and that I wear a size 10 shoe? Many women care about those things, you know. I also own a small art collection which I'll gladly allow you to view (but no touching!)

and since this is, in the end, all about me... I like women who are bold and outspoken, smart and courageous, sensual and fearless, who would not at all be averse to smooching on the first date if the spirit overcame us. If you're uptight and easily frightened, maybe online dating is not such a good idea.

You won't believe this, but I was shocked, do you hear me, SHOCKED to learn that there were some unscrupulous people on this website who misrepresented their ages by as many as several years! What is even more shocking is that it appears that the hottest women on this site are those in their 40's and list themselves in their 30's. Since it appears that this is what passes for "normal" in the world of online dating, I thought I would go with the flow, and lower my age by 6 years (making me 50 in my non-virtual analog life.) I used a complex formula to calculate this, with a margin of error of plus or minus 10 years. However, I can assure you that I can whip up a pasta putanesca that will thrill your tummy. Oh, and I really am 6' tall (dripping wet), and I'll supply a tape measure to prove it.


As my neighbor Grace Paley was fond of saying, "the most identifiable feature of hope is action." If you're really interested, I would prefer to skip the endless email exchanges and get right to the phone, and then meet if we have some rapport. These online "relationships" have a very short shelf life; I've noticed the expiration dates on many of these profiles is measured in minutes!

Something relaxed and casual, like a drink in a quiet bar, or a stroll through the park. We'll know within the first 5 minutes if there is a "there" there. After that, we can coast along with the fun, or just call the whole thing off. It's all rather random, isn't it?