I am single, no kids, and never married. So you're probably thinking, what's wrong with her?
A) She's ugly.
B) Scorching communicable disease.
C) Stint in prison.
D) Tendancy toward stalking.
E) Uncanny ability to scan a room and choose the biggest jerk there to date for a few years.
The answer is E. All I'm looking for is a good guy to spend my time with, that will remind me what it's like to be happy with another person. Well, what do you think, is it worth a try?

I asked the Magic Eight Ball, "Will I ever find true love?"
It's reply: Ha! That's a good one.

"He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East river."

Dating is hard. Ok, so let's say you find someone that you think is attractive. But you're not 22 anymore, and you've discovered that there are some things you can't deal with, like, let's say drama. Because you have learned to lead a relatively drama-free life. Or you can't really deal with someone that has no moral compass, that has no problem lying, or cheating. Or someone that drinks alot. Or even someone that has absolutely no sense of humor. Are you being too picky? Should you lower your standards? Is it time to stop looking, or hoping?
If you are wondering why I am on this dating website, or for that matter, why YOU are on this website, please consider the following pick up lines from the bar just last night:

"Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?"
"I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good."
"Hey baby, do you want to go behind that rock and get a little boulder?"
"Hello there, I'm new in town, can you give me directions to your apartment?"
"I'm feeling a little off today. Want to turn me on?"
"You don't look too bad, I'm guessing you only got hit once in the face with that sack of nickels, right?"
"Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?"
"I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet."
"Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?"
"Hey baby, everything I'm going to do to you tonight I learned at SeaWorld."

...and I didn't get a single phone number the whole night.

Quote from famous person I unfortunately will never forget: "I wish I was skinny like those starving kids from Africa you see on TV, I mean, without all the flies and dying and stuff." -Mariah Carey

My dog's favorite quote: "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -Mark Twain

From someone I look up to: "I had a dream. And in it, something eats you."
-Happy Bunny


Song stuck in my head this week: "One fine day in my odd past, I picked me up a transmission, I turned the fission ignition, went looking for the broadcaster. And when I first touched some ground, they simply told me to leave, was kind of hard to believe, since there was no one around, this ain't the planet of sound."

What I did today at work that is ridiculous (but it could happen!): Checked the mailbox for pipe bombs
Thought I had after I checked the mailbox for pipe bombs: "Nope, no pipe bomb, crap, guess I have to go back in there and work now."

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. : "Your parents were fighting machines and self-pitying machines. Your mother was programmed to bawl out your father for being a defective money-making machine, and your father was programmed to bawl her out for being a defective housekeeping machine. They were programmed to bawl each other out for being defective loving machines. Then your father was programmed to stomp out of the house and slam the door. This automatically turned your mother into a weeping machine. And your father would go down to the tavern where he would get drunk with some other drinking machines. Then all the drinking machines would go to a whorehouse and rent *&@#ing machines. And then your father would drag himself home to become an apologizing machine. And your mother would become a very slow forgiving machine." And so on.

Things I find in profiles that are utterly boring in their redundant predictability:
"I love my kids/most important thing in my life"
(guys with their shirts off)
(pictures of girls with their cats)
"looking for that special someone"
romantic poetry
Fat couch potato TV flipping cats drinking beer
Double fisting picnicking drinking squirrels

What I would do for a first date? I'd sell a kidney, mortgage my house, pimp my little sister, swindle an old lady.........oh, is that what they meant? ok, just something casual, no pressure

Must not be looking for Princess (translation: I'm a glutton for punishment, and am looking to enable a physically and emotionally inept woman, but she wears high heels!)
Must not be riddled with contagious contractables or airborne syphillises and whatnot
Must not be a self-righteous lying ax-wielding egomaniac
Must have a moral compass that points NORTH, not way, way south
Must like dogs

younger than 45
Must not be looking for Intimate Encounter
Must not do drugs
Must not be married