This is it people! The time to wait and be fussy, has gone. Internet Dating. Its happened. Get whatever you can quickly and leave before dark.

We're in that very place that we ourselves, not so long ago, mocked, teased, judged, warned and thought "You Loser" about anyone, who let it slip that they were over selling themselves on the murderous net, a place we thought so dangerous, that even rambling psychotic beasts only roamed in pairs.

And its free to get in!! Its not even free to get into the Circus!!!!

The Ex would laugh her head off if she knew I was on here. Or had one.

Anyway, needs be..........

I’m guaranteed not to rust, bust, gather dust, warp, buckle, bend, fade or snap!

Highly domesticated, competent with all of today’s domestic appliances. Knows how to pay bills directly, has no alcohol dependency, so will happily take the wheel and do the driving without sulking for three days prior.

To me football is as entertaining as standing on a plug, Formula 1, as entertaining as standing on said plug twice...same foot. And as for golf! FFS!

Freaqw freeqwen frewq frecant, often displays moderate signs of intelligence and reacts well to children, parents, teachers, ect but does not function well when cold. MUST BE KEPT WARM!

Completely understands the physical and mental mechanics of females (course he does!).

Possesses a working moral compass, doesn't suffer liars well, (at all) and thinks that giving his far superior partner a foot rub, is his treat!

I come complete with advanced cooking skills (can use the four round thingys on top of the cooker, above that big square hole bit, where pizzas and chips go.

I'm just looking for a no-tail that’s confident, mentally secure, subtle, rich, really, really, stinking rich and bendy, (its not gonna happen is it?).

Someonen who isn't afraid of new situations and challenges, doesn't tell lies and can respect others.

Couples should enjoy each others company, compliment each other, have fun, miss each other when she's at work, want to do things together and respect each other. Its really important to be honest, true, loyal, kind, loving, protective, all the nice stuff. At the end of the day, you could be the one planning my funeral.

Can I have a lady who doesn't think that texting is the best way to sort out important issues and can remain in a stable frame of mind for longer than it takes me to polish of a 500grm toffee cheesecake please. Bout four and a half mins. Boxed.

And if it seems I’m asking for too much, tell me! If you don’t say, I won’t know. We can alter it. Any of it. All of it. Scrap the lot. Whatever.

Also, i've got a 9 inch tongue and I can breathe through my ears!

Go catapult the dirty pigeons to death, with pigeon killing catapults. Hooraaaaa!