So yes im an iguana trainer (and in my spare time i suck the poison out of snakes)...unfortunately its not listed by the government, or any reputable agency for that matter, as an actual profession so therefore i don't even qualify for minimum wage, benefits, insurance, an office space, a hall pass, bathroom key, parking space, vacation, company trips, inter-office relationships, company car, or even a picture on the "employee of the month" board. However is does support the many african pygmies that call my basement home.

Are you intrigued yet? Probably not but thats ok...it only gets better i promise ;o) i aspire to one day be one of the village people reincarnated...not because im gay but because its just one d*mn catchy tune....YMCA!!!

In my free time i enjoy throwing buckets of nails out on the street because it means job security for various blue collar workers.. i also like to help out the not so fortunate, underpaid, and under appreciated workers by installing carpet in high income housing areas that automatically stains when walked upon thereby requiring frequent cleanings...the border patrol hates me for this and frequently threatens to revoke my citizenship but i say "fukkem, i love taco bell". I also enjoy tossing midgets for distance against a velcro wall...if this is in no way funny to you then we probably wont get along very well...but thats ok because there is a shmuck with no sense of humor born every day and another shmuck that will love them and share a miserable life with early onset death (keep in mind, contrary to popular belief, that America's #1 killer is not heart disease, cancer, or any other BS that the government or your text books want you to believe...Its death...Death has killed more people then all other causes combined hands down...so eat your vitamins and your wheaties, and if you pray a whole shitload you may die of something much cooler then death)...have fun with that ;o)

On a side note: For all you people who suck its confirmed...you still suck

On an even sider note: for those who think you are cool...my****is bigger...please see side note #1

On the most sidest of notes: after 12 shots of bourbon my****is not bigger, im really not cool at all, but i'll be d*mned if you wont laugh at me while i make a complete fool of myself...i hope you enjoy

Anything else you wanna know ask my lawyer

This profile is brought to you by the numbers 1 and 6 and the letters D and J ;o)

November 7th is National Kick Your Boyfriend in the Balls Day...please ladies dont hesitate to celebrate this wondrous occasion with a good old whack to the significant other's balls...cause lets face it, every guy, including myself, deserves it at least once a year for whatever the reason may be (no worries i will still love you afterwards...more on that later)...to enjoy this event for the rest of the year it is highly recommended that you video tape it and post it on your homepage for all your friends to see ;o)...Guys if you want to avoid the ball bashing tell your girlfriend on November 6th that you need some space to figure things out and walk back in on the 8th and say you made a mistake and love them with all your heart...you will be rewarded on the 8th with Motorboat Day...this day does not in any way apply to married couples because the wife already has hubby by the balls everyday of the year

This just in...im not wearing any pants...see all the highlights on your local news station

if anyone is able to incorporate the word "chagrin" into a normal conversation on a daily basis, you are A ok in my book

Picking your nose and having your thumb up your ass is not only the coolest thing in the world it should have its own day...i think it should be piggy-backed with labor day...and i say this because generally speaking a good portion of us spend most of our work day doing it...now why we do it leaves room for all kinds of questions...im open to answer any questions you may have

November 8th is Motorboat Day...boobs are by far natures best creation...big boobs are preferred for Motorboat Day but all boobs are welcome to celebrate...fyi if your boobs look like "mudflaps" you are forever banned from Motorboat Day (exceptions are made for boob jobs to fix such said horrific deformity)...if you find yourself celebrating Motorboat Day with any man who suffers from "saggy raisin ball" syndrome you are granted a get out of Motorboat Day free card

Maryland crabs are by far the best crabs ever...dont let whatever STD doctor you are seeing fool you into believing otherwise...the medication wont work...once you've had them you will never want to let them go...after getting crabs in maryland it is highly recommended that you spread them across the country...feel free to come by my place anytime and i will share my crabs with you...i promise they will be hot and a tad on the spicy side but be not afraid ladies, MY crabs are here to please

Is it legal for a woman to slap her boyfriend even though he hasnt done anything wrong? actually it is...under 2 circumstances..she must be completely annihilated on some type of psychedelic drug and can later claim temporary insanity or she can be on the rag which automatically qualifies as being temporarily insane...if she happens to be on both at the same time she is allowed by law to tie said boyfriend to a tree and use them as a pinata

Is it legal for a man to slap a woman even though she hasnt done anything wrong? under one circumstance...he has a hundred dollars in ones...aren't strip clubs awesome?

Dear Dog Poop,
Seriously, do you always have to be waiting for me to get out of my car and step on you? Can't you plan your visit 12 inches away from my exit? i hate you dog poop

Sincerely,
David

If you actually have 99 bottles of beer on your wall i want to party with you...if i piss all over your CD collection i wont apologize...you should'nt have put it so close to your closet

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands...if you're not then your life sucks and i hope we never meet

If you think about it all marriages should be common-law marriages cause less face it 50% all marriages end cause you figure out you no longer have anything in common...for instance whoever you might be fukking at the time...im sure you arent also sleeping with his secretary and im pretty damn sure he's not sleeping with your studly trainer hence forth nothing in common

pay attention...its the least expensive thing you will ever have to buy

Dear Plenty of Fish,
please sprinkle Old Bay seasoning on every girl on this site...they will taste so much better

Sincerely,
Barry McKokiner

it has come to my attention that march 14th is blowjob and steak day...this intrigues me greatly because this day also happens to be brown paper bag day...coincidence?

"Bock Bock"...say it as loud as you can randomly at work....your co-workers will think you are absolutely insane and probably offer to buy you a drink after work because they only wished they had the sense of humor that YOU had...trust me it works (if you can pull this off in the restroom while dropping the kids off at the pool you ARE the SHYT!!!!)

Random thought: if at any point in your life you have thought to yourself that cow tipping was an attainable goal, not only did you have way too much free time on your hands, you also drank way too much that night, the mushrooms you thought you were gonna get from said cow poo were probably tainted, and lets just face it, you're fukking retarded...and yes i did ride the short bus to school (tinted windows and all)...dont hate me cause im special

Dear Dog Poop,
For Real? that's twice in one profile that i stepped on you...i talked to your mom earlier and she informed me you have ADHD...i really feel bad for you and i want to apologize for my earlier hatred...i appreciate all the good times we have had with paper bags and lighters...old man Berkowitz has never been the same since you and i met...i'm sorry you missed his funeral so i left a piece of you on his grave...if he believed in the afterlife then you will be with him always...RIP Jerkowitz