**FREE GIFT WITH DATE: SORRY I RAN OUT OF "I SURVIVED STEVENKS" T-SHIRTS IN SIZE XXXL SO AM OFFERING A FREE HOME WATERBOARDING STARTER KIT AS MY WAY OF SAYING THANK YOU. OFFER GOOD TOMORROW ONLY**

**FLAVOR OF THE MONTH: blue-eyed, auburn-haired, left-handed, Gaelic speaking Asian women over 5'10". Initial correspondence must be in iambic pentameter. Age is not a factor. PLEASE BE PATIENT. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE DELETED IN THE ORDER IT WAS RECEIVED**

Online dating? Are you nucking futs? I'd rather stare at a solar eclipse through a pair of binoculars! Or fry bacon in the nude! Or get caught between a sow grizzly and her cub with my pants around my ankles! Anyway, this should be all about having fun so don't take me or my profile too seriously, ok? Please sign the waiver before reading further. Also, if you are from the Salina/McPherson area, SCRAM! When I get around to suing the EPA to prove the effects of fluoride on the human brain, you ladies will be Exhibit A! Don't forget to bring your paperwork (restraining orders).

**PLEASE DO NOT ADD ME TO YOUR FAVORITES LIST UNTIL I HAVE SLEPT WITH YOU AND YOUR SISTER AT LEAST TWICE, AS WE DO NOT WANT OTHER MEMBERS TO THINK WE ARE SLEAZY ONE-NIGHT-STAND MATERIAL, DO WE? WE DO? OK, WHATEVER!**

Guess what. One day I emailed a "Perfect 10" and received messages from FIVE 2's! How's that for karma? And while we're on the subject, what's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?

If you are not happy with our new President, please consider joining my electile dysfunction group. It is a very relaxed atmosphere, we are not hard on anyone, and you will not be asked to stand up in front of the group.

Although I'm not into heavy I'd still rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy, wouldn't you? All I know is that the Lakers had a chance to draft me in '79 but they picked some other guy. What kind of parents name their kid "Magic" anyway? They say the best revenge is living well which I AM doing (thank you very much) now that I'm getting a close comfortable shave with less irritation AND using a shampoo that leaves my hair soft yet manageable. That said, there are days when I'm inclined to speed dial Mark Cuban and offer to don a Maverick's jersey for just one Sunday afternoon. Heck I'd do it persona non gratis if only for the sheer pleasure to hang 40 on Kobe right in front of Diddy and the rest of those lip synchin', Paxil poppin', latte lappin', hot tubbin' Tinseltown wussies. Until then I'll float around here and see if I can ruffle some fish feathers hehehehe!

Ok, enough stalling. Here's what you REALLY want to know: No, you don't get my credit report, SSN, financial statement, credit card info or my mother's maiden name. I gave all that to the lithe nympho-model from Ghana who professed her undying love for me last night via instant message. Now before you call me stupid and vote me off the island you better make sure you have all the facts. This woman not only has a web cam, she also has a REAL Western Union account that you can send REAL money to and yes I kept the receipts for proof. Now who's the dummy.....HUH???

On second thought, we need more stalling. Have you tried Google Maps? It's WAAAAAY cool. I don't care how they did it in the old days, plotting the demise of all mankind is hard enough without having to spend all day hunched over a globe while holding a cat with ADHD. (Note to self: 1. Declaw cat. 2. Buy Band-aids.)

At this rate, by the time I finish my manifesto, Fidel will have assumed room temperature and Oprah will have added to her collection the last available subtropical island paradise which in all likelihood will be inhabited by peaceful, nonthreatening indigenous people performing nightly pagan rituals handed down through the centuries, and whose trusting demeanor makes them a prime target for subjugation. Everyone knows that preserving a way of life fostered in a rich cultural heritage is no way to fight global warming! CULTURE SMULTURE, if we're going to beat al Qaeda we're going to need a helluva lot more payday loan stores! To my knowledge, nothing like this has been attempted before so any extra money, guns, and lawyers you have lying around would be greatly appreciated just in case I run out.

Thank God I'm not religious.

By now your natural instinct of fight or flight should have kicked in and you've either blocked me from future (albeit accidental) contact and clicked back to that bellied Bubba with the receding hairline and missing tooth who isn't looking so bad right now despite that fact that you previously declined his invitation to the monster truck rally, OR that lazy eye of yours inexplicably focused HERE first, thankfully sparing you from having to wade through all that nonsense posted above.

Finally, here's some mostly true stuff you can tell your family that might help soften the blow: I'm fit, educated, and successful in just about everything I've cared to be successful at. Most of the time, I'm laid-back, nonjudgmental, and prefer to live and let live. However, as a supremely confident alpha male, I know when to step up and take charge of a situation.

I'm especially kind to old folks, children, and animals. Spiritually aware, but skeptical of organized religion. I believe in karma, and mine is good. A healthful diet and fitness regimen is a core component of the holistic lifestyle I embrace. Although I seek to find humor in most situations, I can be serious when necessary. I love my country, but distrust my government.

As a lifelong learner and curious observer of human nature, I'm dedicated to continuous self-improvement. One of my goals is to learn another language. My handyman skills enable me to fix or build just about anything. I can discuss current events, philosophy, metaphysics, or string theory but have no idea where I left my car keys!

In warmer months I'm an avid cyclist (that's BIKE RIDIN' to you McPherson ladies), logging 100+ miles per week. My doctor says I'm in better shape than most men half my age. Lazy Sundays were meant for sleeping late, coffee and newspaper in bed, and grilling out. Friends and family are scattered across the country so I could be anywhere at any given time. Kansas City is like my second home.

About you: Easy on the eyes, dysfunctional, borderline crazy. See how easy it is to qualify?

"Describe what would you do FOR a first date"? What is this.....Fear Factor? Or do they mean it like "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" In that case, I'd go on the internet, post pictures of myself, and offer personally identifiable information so that every psychotic, deranged, delusional, obsessive, bunny-boiling nutcase in town will beat a path to my door and let the fun begin! Heck I'm up for anything that doesn't get me slapped, sued, Tasered, pepper sprayed, arrested, maimed, mutilated, disfigured, disemboweled, decapitated, castrated, or killed. Especially slapped.

Just the other day a lovely fishie wrote to me asking "so tell me...what is your best first date idea? and do you seriously think it would get you a 2nd date??" Now I've never been one to back away from a challenge even when that little voice says back away so I said "Before I tell you my first date idea, I need to know one thing: If you stand up in a courtroom, point a finger at me, and yell "THAT'S HIM!", would that qualify as a second date?" She wrote back with lots of "lol" and smiley face stuff so at least ONE of you out there can handle an offbeat sense of humor. Can you?
Please accept my apology for being so brief but they don't give us very much room to wri