**UPDATE** There is someone I'm interested in, so not looking.

DISCLAIMER: If you ask for crayons and a special placemat when dining out, DO NOT read this!
SUB-DISCLAIMER: If you don't understand the previous disclaimer click off this profile NOW or risk serious injury!!

I’m trying to trace my steps back as to how I actually got here. I'm pretty sure it was recommended by a friend, but I don’t have good luck with friends. They either disappear from truck stops or show up on the evening news for some silly antic.

It could’ve been my friend who was mugged by the mime or the one mauled by a giraffe. Yeah - try to keep track of friends like that - sheesh! Anyway, I digress.

I thought the best way to let men know you’re single and ready to date was sneaking in men’s rooms and leaving your name and number on the wall. Sometimes, I use index cards, much neater. There’s also bus stops, bowling alleys, the list is practically endless.

Imagine my surprise when my friend suggested a better way. Oh wait, I remember who it was. My friend who is the receptionist at the VD Clinic and man, does she meet some hot-looking guys and they're SO friendly!! Anyhow, here I am.....

I'm a lady whose voices in her head are real. If you put your ear up to my head you can hear them. Mostly they try to get along - limited space. If you don't like the woman you meet, take me out again and I'll be someone else. Gotta admit heck of a deal, got an instant threesome just the two of us.

I've driven several of my shrinks crazy and am on the banned list of the American Psychological Assoc. But I'm cute when I'm either sleeping or heavily medicated. I could tell you more about me but if you look in a book on personality disorders I'd be in at least 7 chapters, or I should say WE'D be....

Now for the man I'm looking to hunt down, I mean FIND. I'm gonna really shake things loose. You will promise to call and not call for days, then stand me up. Put me on your blocked list then take me off again, just to feed my insanity. You'll call and leave a message then hang up when I call you back.

Finally you'll take me out to a fancy restaurant order surf and turf and tell me you left your wallet in your other pants as you're finishing dessert. My life will be a hair raising drama full of your day to day antics, as you taunt and tease me and tell me you really, really care.

I think we'll make an exciting couple, we can yell at each other in public, slam doors incessantly, be as rude as possible and just annoy everyone we come in contact with. I can't wait to meet you.

I used to like to go to bookstores and rearrange the books in reverse alphabetical order. I love to go to grocery stores where they have those fancy stacks of cans and see if I can pull out the one on the bottom row. I guess that's not really a date but it sure is fun. Well, for me.

First date, hmm, well we'll go anywhere we can have a nice chat. I'll tell you about every man who's even winked at me, all the TV shows I've ever watched and what my favorite subjects were in school. In short, we'll go have coffee somewhere quiet enough that I can just talk about me for several hours.

Then you can walk me to my car, try to get a kiss or a hug, but I'll warn you not to come near me. Then we'll say our goodbyes, you'll promise to call me, looking me straight in the eye. Since I know this is going to happen I'll follow you so I can at least get your tag number. I'll go straight home and leave a dozen or more messages, leave flowers and a card on your doorstep. Tell your neighbors how much we're in love and that we're making plans on getting married soon.

There WILL be a second date, got that? So just be prepared. I don't let men go that easily. I'll end this with one of my favorite sayings, "stalking is just another way of saying I'm very, very interested".