Smart, fun, fit, educated, hygienic, well-mannered (opens your car door), and I'm not controlled by my vices, however enjoyable they may be. I have a good set of values, with integrity mattering the most. I was fortunate to be raised right by sweethearts for parents who are still in love after 62 years; and I could honor them best by using their example and the humble wisdom they passed to me.

I believe life is really about personal and spiritual growth and the quality of our relationships with others, instead of this endless fixation on accumulating money and status. Then again, I'd be okay with winning the lotto, club-hopping with George Clooney, then stealing Hef's girlfriends. In reality, you can't get to know someone from a lame dating questionnaire--but only through actual conversation and observation. (That's how I met who's behind those voices in my head.) I find life to be mysterious and challenging--especially the lightning round of Jeopardy--and why a loving and merciful God would ever allow NASCAR to exist.

FACTS ABOUT ME
I know that Wings was not Paul McCartney's first band. My FICO score, shoe size and IQ are all within 10 points of each other. (Good thing I have big feet). I don't live with my mom. (Women are kept in segregated cell blocks). My ethnic background is Circus People. I had a happy upbringing (high school was the best 7 years of my life.) I am a Recovering Catholic (in remission), and I quit going to confession once I realized the only reason I went was to brag. My father never said he loved me. (But Father Murphy did.) I can do sign language, but only if I use my sock puppets. One speaks Ebonics and the other has Tourettes. (I have both.) When I was a proof reader at the M&M's factory, they scheduled my next company physical with Dr. Kevorkian after I got written up for throwing out all of the W's. I've been featured on Lifestyles of the Poor & Obscure, and I believe the inventors of leaf blowers and low-flow toilets should be forced to live east of the I-5. I'm leery that the swine flu shot is really just a pig in a poke.

If I were a disk jockey I would play Darth Vader's voice slowed down to 33 1/3, especially when he sings background on that song "Elvira". I own a building demolition company that uses a Nerf wrecking ball, so you can imagine the fortune we make charging overtime. I live in University Heights--the only part of 92116 allowed out on work release. I treat my Significant Other as truly significant, because in the past I have been treated merely as The Incumbent, with term limits.

Hurry up and get to know me before I enter the witness protection program, where I'll have to learn a whole new set of lies besides the ones listed here. And I've managed to avoid the middle-age indignity of going through my second childhood by remaining in my first.

WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR
If you are my match, you expect to be treated like a lady. (Pffttt!) You are articulate (having fluently mastered Broken English) and you have an outgoing personality--thanks to your meds. Please be physically attractive, even though that sounds as shallow as the gene pool of the Raider Nation. And when you gaze into my eyes, you will realize that beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Ditzy is okay, having a pulse is optional, but if you jabber constantly, I will sponsor you joining that compulsive talker support group--On and On Anon.

If however, you happen to be a SoCal gold-digging, surgically enhanced, bling flashing, mirror loving narcissistic Saks and Nordie's schwag-hag mall bunny always riding the alimony pony, well then you're perfect for me! Who cares if your cellulite is large curd and your Oriental tramp stamp tattoo actually translates into Beef With Broccoli No MSG, let's go pick out china patterns! (I prefer red checkerboard on melmac.)

Hopefully, you enjoy travel; watching or playing some sports; champagne; popcorn; back and foot rubs; trying new cooking recipes; having the neighbors over for dinner (but not the same way Jeffery Dalmer did); wine-tasting trips and other weekend getaways; hanging with family (literally--it's a family tradition with us since we come from a clan of horse thieves); listening to or playing music (I'm trying to learn songwriting); and you share my appreciation for America's fair and unbiased media. If you play golf, I will ask your father for your hand in marriage, even though its not really your hand that I'm after. And if you don't mention my jones for ABBA, I'll throw in some goats and chickens for Dad. (But keep an eye on the goats, they seem to be oozing something...)

NOTABLE NOTES OF NOTE
My sign is NOT Capricorn--its Will Work For Food. And I bought Miss Cleo's used crystal ball on E-Bay. It says I'm going to start making foolish purchases. And how I wish someone would establish an easement in my erogenous zones, since if it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. And I have so substituted food for getting any action, that now I can't even get into my own pants. I've spent so much time calling those X-rated phone lines that now I have Hearing AIDS. I am best described by that 3-word bumper sticker that says "Somewhere There is a Village Missing It's Idiot". And I'm trying to hurry up and learn everything I can from teenagers while they still know everything.

I love America, and I'm losing patience with those who constantly criticize Her. Where else do you have real football, spray can cheese, and hourly hotel rates? (Um, I don't mean to insult soccer, but it's a lot like my bedroom: Lots of running in circles, illegal use of hands, shouts of "Now who's your papi?", balls flying back and forth... but even after 3 hours nobody has scored yet.)

SERIOUSLY... I CAN BE SERIOUS
Like in the Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly? thread in the California forum. But, I WOULD: rather talk to you instead of watching television constantly; be nice to your mother/kids/pets/friends; respect your right to run your life as you see fit; encourage you instead of criticize you; show affection both in private and in public; never forget my manners; not put all my troubles onto you; stay in and nest and go out and be active; be well-read or conversant on most any subject; never use profanity (unless it makes a punch line funnier or the Raiders just scored on the Chargers); use sugar several times before trying spice; and avoid lying (which unfairly infringes on your right to choose your own path and erodes my self respect); and brag about you to my friends and pay you compliments to yours.

I will always and forever pay any price to keep growing spiritually and to build character. I always try to make people feel better about themselves, and I pay all good things forward. But someday I would like to be with a woman who walks a similar path.

Okay, we meet at Neiman Marcus, I'll wire transfer my life savings into your charge account, then I will patiently sit in uncomplaining silence as you try on every garment, trinket and bauble in the whole darn store while the sales clerk furiously plays the cash register like its a circus organ. If you buy anything kinda trashy to wear, I'll increase your $25 credit limit on the spot.

Then its into the limo (the municipal stretch limo/exact change required) that whisks us off to Spagos in L.A. where we will chug grape squeezin's and dumpster dive in the alley where we can see the chef's guest table through the window... then its over to Brad and Angelina's with our copies of National Geographic to make wild guesses about just where the heck their latest kid is from... then we are off to the airport as Paris awaits us... (France! -- not that skank Hilton...) Oops, I mean P-e-r-r-i-s. After we take the camper shell factory tour there, I'll propose to you in a dive bar next to the NAPA auto parts store after you do a seductive Dance of the Seagrams 7 Veils for me. Oh baby...

Then we could go back to my place to put up my Christmas decorations, even though my Baby Jesus Gets Breast Fed and So Do the Three Kings nativity scene went over like a fart in church with my homeowners association last year. They are such haters.

Or, we could just start with a drink or coffee somewhere. Since its our first date, we should tell each other enough lies about ourselves that we get interested enough to go for a second date.

Then it will be time to skedaddle since my ankle bracelet buzzes at sundown every evening, so drink up sister...