Decided to say t'heck with the profile and just post jokes. Enjoy! :)
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Speak Nicely to Santa Claus

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?"
The kid says, "A $*#%@#$ swingset."
Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents.
Let's try again. What else would you like?"
The kid says, "A $*#%@#$ sandbox for the side yard."
Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?"
The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a $*#%@#$ trampoline in the front yard."
Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune."

Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door,looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.
His father says, "What's wrong, son?"
The kid says, "Santa brought me a $*#%@#$ dog, but I can't find him!"



WHY CHRISTMAS TREES ARE BETTER THAN MEN
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

2. Even small ones give satisfaction.

3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even when it's lit.

5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.

9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

10. You only have to feed/water it once a week.

11. It's always there to light up your life.

12. It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.

13. It always smells nice and doesn't pass gas.

14. If it needles you, you can toss it out.

15.It doesn't ask you to have little Christmas trees.




AOLer's Christmas

'Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.

No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my computer and me.

I won't race to the window, to see him arrive.
I'll just sit right here..... with Windows ninety-five.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.

I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As, I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.

A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And asked if I might like to chat for a while.

She said if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.

She said it's the first time she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers could be so much fun.

She said, the computer was usually locked tight.
But, she said her husband left it on... tonight.

He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me about her whole life.
How she was expected to be a good wife.

She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because she was forced to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.

She didn't have sex with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.

Then she wrote me something that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her to have cyber-sex.

I said, if she wanted me to that I could.
Then after an hour, she got really good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her that I couldn't go anymore.

She said that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.

She said only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye and signed off.....and I had to pause.
I think I just cybered........with Mrs. Santa Claus!!!!




Okay, a little about me and what I am into.


I don't smoke, drink or do drugs ( I do take an aspirin when I have a headache though :) )
Chocolate ( I'm a chocoholic :) )
movies ( I've probably seen more than Siskel & Ebert put together )
Mostly action and sci-fi. I also like to watch the following TV series:

The Simpsons,
Criminal Minds
The Listener,
Heroes
Flash Forward
Fringe
Zombie movies rock!

Musically, I can listen to pretty much anything except opera, Rap, and anything with bag pipes
Baking ( Did I mention chocolate? ) I'm told I make great desserts :)
Food: Anything Mexican or Italian. Not into seafood or Chinese.

I'm usually a pretty positive person and try to see the good/humour in most people/situations.

Not looking for Ms. Right. I just enjoy making other people laugh ( or at least smile ). Friends ( no, not friends with benefits *lol* ) and hanging out are always good though