"Hot my rice!" What does that mean? Who rightly knows? I have been hearing it a lot lately.

I am only doing this because it is mandatory, otherwise, I would happily leave this section blank, sure that the mystery of it all would bring the ladies flocking. But, that might not be such a good idea. I am looking to meet someone my age to 70 who bathes regularly, does not smell like cats, doesn't smoke, and is my height or shorter. Body type or size is not important, but you need to be able to string a couple of sentences together. Bonus points for good grammar, and for spelling out the words "you" and "through."

I hope you don't mind if I don't work too hard at writing anything witty or pithy. I will save my wit and pithiness for when we chat. I am in government work, but I won't be forever, and I will then be looking for gigs as an extra on Law and Order or perhaps as a joke writer at a dinner theater in Florida or San Diego. And I still have to do that canoeing thing down the Mississippi I have been talking about. Have a nice day! I have traveled pretty much everywhere, done a ton of stuff and I am way over-educated. Unfortunately, that makes me a bore at parties. I drone on and on about whatever the topic is, and when I look around, I see slack jaws and vacant stares. I get that reaction at work and on dates as well. I used to think it was everyone else's problem, but when I analyzed it a little, I realized that the common denominator in all those situations is me. But, would such a realization lead to change? So far, not so much. So, be warned.

I know a lot of jokes, and will fit them into any situation, but only about 45% are funny. I will laugh at them myself though, so that kind of relieves you of that responsibility.

Essential facts

1. I drive 25 mph in the 25 mph zone and relish the huge line of cars behind me.

2. I fantasize that I am a performer on radio dramas.

3. I consider guacamole dip and chips an acceptable vegetarian substitute.

4. I wear 13 year old woolen socks to bed, but never under any circumstances walk anywhere in them.

5. I have watched every movie that Tom Cruise and Keanu Reeves have made, but I never tell anyone.

6. I dread bathroom doors that have a handle you have to pull from the inside to get out so I only open them by balling my hands into fists and pulling with my wrists.

I took a personality test and here are the results: You are relatively open to new experiences. You are well-organized, and are reliable. You are relatively social and enjoy the company of others. You are good-natured, courteous, and supportive. You probably remain calm, even in tense situations.

According to the food test, I am Mexican Food: Spicy yet dependable. I pull punches, but people still love me

My animal personality? The crow. (What the heck?) You love to talk and am very persuasive. You are curious, but careful not to poke your beak where it doesn’t belong. You love to travel, and people have a hard time keeping track of you.

According to face recognition software, I resemble Tom Cruise (67% similar; maybe that explains seeing all his movies, even Magnolia!), Matt Dillon (66%) or Rachel Bilson (64%). Augusto Pinochet (60%) made the list as well, but I don’t talk about that.

UPDATE: I pulled up my jeans, and ripped one of my belt loops off.

UPDATE #2: I have decided that I am looking for a woman who can go from blue jeans to black tie and back again and be comfortable in any situation. The reason I am looking for such a woman? So I can time the transition. I am guessing that blue jeans to black dress and back would take a minimum of 4 hours and 12 minutes. However, at those speeds, it is likely that the drapes would get pulled down in a frenzy, someone would step on the cat's back and the steam in the bathroom would be so thick it would set off the fire alarms. But, this is just an estimate, I am not responsible for any injuries that might occur. I would not be attempting any transition like that on my own because I had a tragic cumberbund accident and almost lost one my boys down stairs. If you know what I mean.

First, I would shake hands, then ask you what kind of coffee you would like. Next, we would sit down, preferably inside, because it is kind of muggy to sit outside, don't you think? Then we can talk about pretty much anything, so that we can find out of we have any mutual interests, and to see if you get that crazy look in your eye when you talk about that coworker you hate. Then, when the date is over, we can hug, not kiss, because who likes coffee breath kissing on the first date, and we can IM each other when we get home. Or, we can walk on the beach and I can impress you with my ability to skip stones on the water and punt some kid's football over the sanddunes into the street.

NOTE: I will no longer go on first dates that involve playing golf or skee-ball.

Female
Age between 35 and 70
Live in United States
Must not do drugs