☼

O dear Zeus,

Thank you for my daily apple, cute kitten videos, and the latest Fück Buttons album.  It doth rock mightily.

Please arrange for a clever girl to find and message yours truly.  Let her be pretty and pleasantly scented, with a level of wit just shy of my own.  A muse — sweet and shapely — to share this passion for music, nature, art and the occasional cartoon.

And should you find it in your Olympian heart to tweak the cosmos just so, let her be intelligent and somewhat well read - so that she might know the difference between your and you're, piqued and peaked, there, their and they're.

May she have a sense of humour, and a finely curved bum.

I will respect her and be of chivalrous manner; opening any pickle jar for her that she cannot.  We'll travel and explore every chance we get.  And attend a thousand concerts and summer festivals.  Maybe chase some ducks.  Reflect by campfires.  Chuckle at Nickleback fans.  Analyze zombie movies at length.  Stroll through art galleries.  Nudge each other when spotting ugly babies.  Have epic make out sessions in the kitchen.

She'll get silly poems stuck to the ceiling and cookware.  I will maintain a straight face during sappy movie scenes whilst she is misty-eyed and she will bear my philosophical ramblings with minimum eye roll.  We'll enjoy life and the details.

And we shall consider comfy pajamas as sacred vestments.

Thanks, big guy.

Datch

                                                                                                              ☾

Sneak some rum into a petting zoo and get righteously hammered.


Common correspondence for easy cut & paste

Is Datch really your name?
It's sewn on all my mittens.

You're wierd.
I have now lost the will to live. And you misspelled weird.

You seem pompous.
Why do I so desperately love your gender?

Are you here for short or long term?
I’m not here for a sex and run. Nor am I looking to meet your parents the second date - so tame it.

Wow, you live all the way over in Pickering?
Yes, a tiny village located unfathomable distances from your great metropolis. We live in tee-pees and share a community horse called Mucky. Is it true your buildings are so tall they scrape the sky?
I'm 20 minutes from downtown by car. 17 by hang glider when winds are favourable.

I wanna ****.
Hey hey.. thanks. The explicit offers/photos and comments regarding my yumminess have been something.

I imagine you're clever in person.
It's ridiculous.

What do you do?
I'm an almond farmer.
No, really.
I sold my hippie soul to the devil five years ago and started a business. It's done well, the devil's done better.

Let's chat through MSN.
Ugh, no.
C'mon. Why not?
I prefer smoke signals.
That's not very funny. C'mon..
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not me, ball breaker.

Are you a sexily shaped robot sent here from the future?
01001110 01101111 00101110


Caveat datchor
• My attention span's shorter than a freshly tripped midget, with a memory as laughable.
• I don't cook. Anything. Not a microwaved burrito, not a slice of toast, not a spoon of cereal. Nada. My stove times pizza deliveries.
• I have the singing voice of a teething panda.
• I often misspell fuschia.
• You'll need to buy me four martinis to get me on the dance floor. You'll then realize the money would've been better spent on a book.


A pet peeve list
• Pennies.
• Cat hair in my bowl of milk.
• A stubbed cigarette that keeps smoking.
• Toe prints on my monitor.
• "High five!"
• Tearful speeches to coma patients on TV.
• 'Literally' used in a non-literal statement.
• Smilies and excessive 'LOL'ing.
• Vacant-eyed, large-buttocked people standing on the escalator like it's a ride.
• People who don't think I'm cool, thereby voiding the chance I'll think they're cool. Such a waste...
• My imaginary friends are keeping secrets from me.
• Hidden tracks.
• Your grandmother driving the speed limit in the fast lane. Curse her bones!
• Raisins posing as chocolate chips. I do not abide.
• Friends complaining I'm too insulting. Especially the ugly ones.
• Pet peeve lists. Just where do you get off?
• Self-contradiction.